WCW and Slowly, thank you so much for posting. It makes such a difference to get posts from folks here....it really is supportive right now.
WCW-hurts his pride in that he is a man, letting his wife move out into a hotel while he stays in the comforts of home. I told him that I understood and respected that, but I had to do this for me. He respected that.
Slowly-No, he's not worried about me moving with a male friend. In fact, he mentioned to me that he wouldn't be angry if I decided to date others at this time. I said the same to him, to which he replied "I've already been there, and done that, and not what I'm looking for now." I said that I wouldn't do that, as it's not what I'm looking for, nor something I could do. He made the suggestion out of guilt for what he did, letting me know he understood if I did the same.
He was worried about just general things of me being alone....the car breaking down, safety, etc.
Yes, we do flirt at times and have lots of light times. It's kinda hard for me...b/c at times it feels fake....like we're acting while standing on a pile of &*^#. BUT, it's been valuable b/c the more good times we have, the more we trust each other, and feel more compassion towards each other when the talks DO come. I think he's slightly distrubed and shocked that I so openly admit to accepting that he's still lying and seeing someone else and that he has been. He can't deny it, but I'm not blowing up at him....which is normal for anyone in this situation.
Last night....good and bad. I mentioned that I've been super emotional the last 2 days....monthly hormones, the adjustment to separation, etc. I've been having a tough time leashing these emotions, so have been processing and getting back to that strong place I was in last week. Yesterday, I emailed H to tell him that I was safe, b/c I knew he would be worried...I also asked a timely question about our car. He never responded all day. I let it really frustrate and upset me b/c he manages to text OW all day even when really busy. He said he was worried but never called to see how I was. That hurt.
But, last night, I called again. I wanted to tell him goodnight, I was OK, and just check in and say hello, as a friend. I was emotional and shouldn't have called. I don't know what happened, he sounded fine, but I was sad, weepy, needy, mopey. HORRIBLE. He shut down, and then admitted that he felt bad, like a failure b/c he couldn't give me what I needed to make me feel better. I asked why he didn't want to. He said he felt that he was apprehensive, being roped into a fight, an endless emotional drama, etc. I said that I just missed him, wanted to say hi, but if this was his reaction to me being needy, then I should know to go my own way. I would not ask him to change, but accept and move on. He said me being needy did freak him out, but he loved doing things for me as well...he said he didn't know all his feelings but wasn't in the mood to sort it out then, wanted to get off the phone. I was being really needy, so I kept him on the phone (yes, hit me now).
I calmed down, but what proceeded was a conversation where he really vented more about his feelings about me, and his pain, his disgust. He said he took back apologies that he made during our M, he tried his best, I was awful. Proudly, I was graceful, took it all, made some really meaningful apologies. I validated, didn't get defensive at all. I admitted to some of my needs long ago, in a non-defensive kind way. I told him that I accepted him as he was, and loved him, but if it wasn't right, then we had to move on. It was OK.
His tone initially when I was mopey was aloof, cold. Then, he turned defensive, angry, pissed when venting. In the end, he admitted that he was waiting for me to backlash in anger for things he said, expected a fight, or for me to retract my validations. I said I understood why he felt that, b/c I DID do those things before, but not now. He still has a hard time believing that. I did NOT bring anything up about the A, b/c I wanted this to be his stage for his pain....this has been a long time coming. I will have my time one day too. He said that he initially felt badly for running away from me and not approaching me about his issues, but now he did not feel sorry for that---he felt he did approach me several times but I bit his head off, and made him regret it. I did do that. Could he have tried harder? Yes. Could he have simply moved out instead of having an A? Yes. So, we both learn some painful lessons again. I didn't say those things, but it hurt...and one day I think I will point out the fact that having an A was not exactly the answer. I don't think he was justifying it though. I validated that he did try to approach me and I pushed him away.
I heard some really candid, painful, angry words from H last night....his tone was such that I've never heard before, very disgusted and angry. Believe it or not, I was so happy. He's always held this inside, shut me down in expressing his pain, and now it's coming out. At least it's some emotion. It also gives him a chance to see that I won't hurt him. Last week he said he finally feels safe with me.
We ended nicely. I was shocked, usually he hates these conversations....last night, he said on his own, several times, that he was happy I called. He wasn't happy that he still had work to do and would be up late, but happy that we talked. I said I was happy he told me what he did, thanked him for taking the risk to open up, and happy that I actually listened. He thanked me for that as well. He said it meant a lot to him that I emailed this morning, and called to say goodnight.
I'm back to feeling quite strong. I was far from perfect in my M, and all I can do is improve, for me. This move out has been great...for me to reflect and get strong again. Also in that I don't want to be at home like a doormat while the A is still on. It's good for my pride to walk away. For H, he's finally facing, thinking, drudging up pain he needs to face to heal. Glad we had a respectful talk last night.
For me, this is a time of reflection. Who do I want to be? Why? What do I want in a partner? Honestly, right now, H doesn't have everything I want. I know M is about compromise, but aiming high is good too. My biggest challenges with H are his tendency to run away (emotional physical) when things get tough (pattern in our 14-year R) and also his lack of integrity in saying sorry, seeing his own faults and impact in a bad situation. Not only with me, but also with how he handles others, his past job, etc. He sees the way he was, and has changed a lot, but still afraid to admit that. I feel that I have come a long way in opening up, admitting faults, etc, and I want someone who has enough self-respect and esteem to do the same.
For now, I'm going to hold off on calling him, emailing, etc. Maybe go dark. What do you think? I'm just tired of always reaching out, but he's also in this delicate stage of opening up, and I should be loving now, too. I reached out yesterday, now the ball is in his court. I have plans each day this week!!!! He said he would call today, and I said only if he wants, no expectations, this is a time to take out for us, not obligations. He said OK. I also wanted him to know that he doesn't have to say things he won't commit to....I don't need false promises--another really big issue I have with H.
