Hi All. Back on the boards after physical and mental vacation! Ahhhh. Lots of time to think back on the past, my actions, my regrets (not beating myself up though), healthy distance, understanding H, remembering the wonderful things of our M and of H, and the pain he's in right now. BUT, lots of time NOT thinking of the M too, which was SO nice. Came back to H a little nervous but overall lots more comfortable with me, more relaxed between the 2 of us, and more time together.
A lot has happened too, which is why I'm back here....feeling the need for support and to write.
Last week, H initiated a M talk--shocking--said he has wanted to talk for a while now. He was nervous, upset and finally came out and vented his pain, and I listened, validated and respected. This was big for him, and I was so truly happy that he could do this. Without blame, details or anger, or demands, I vented a little about the pain of his dishonesty and A, H listened and validated-I wanted to avoid turning the conversation to this topic when he was venting to give him the stage. Also, moving on the A topic is NOT something I want to initiate, ask for, etc...I want it to come from him when he's ready. I know that he's still in contact with her...but sees her little if at all. He admitted that since I've been back, he made the decision to spend all of his time with me. It was nice that I never asked for that and I let it go when he told me this.
H said that he spend time while I was away facing his pain, anger, resentment, against me, but also against himself for forgetting all the good things about me, for slipping off the track himself, for his guilt. H essentially said that I had changed I was sweet, gentle and kind. He admitted to screwing up with the A--implied it was over (he still talks to her so he's not totally ready to be honest--but I didn't bring that up) and said that he was afraid b/c long ago I felt that I could not live with someone who was unfaithful to me. He said he ruined that value for me, and felt that he was having a hard time figuring if he was good enough for me. He said that he knew I felt that way and just waited for the day I got up and left him for what he did. He said he was still confused too, but liked spending time with me now, felt that he couldn't talk to anyone else like he did with me, thought that he would be crazy to leave me, but was scared. He said he was tired of being angry, in pain, and was ready to move forward and forgive, that my apologies were enough. He said that he was over being the victim and now felt that he was the injurer with the things he did lately. He said that he didn't miss her, she made him feel better and essentially it she was a product of him running AWAY from me, the way I made him feel. He wasn't running TO anyone in particular, just AWAY from me. He said he was sorry that he ran away from me instead of communicating and solving and fixing, sorry for so many things. He said that he wanted to start living with honor in his life again, with respect to the lying and affair.
This weekend was nice, but I had a few moments when I was just plain mad, sad, frustrated at him. Our talk was like opening up the messy closet that you keep shoving things in and cramming shut, and then one day you can't close it anymore and have to clean it. Part of my "detachment" the last few months was pushing back my emotions until this phase. I didn't argue, just left to take a drive, was quiet. H has become so traumatized by my anger that he could not handle it, though I tried to show it in a different way. He offered to leave the house, because he was putting me in pain. I said no. He said that maybe we should be friends, start dating again. That sounded good to me, plus he said that when I was gone, it was a time that he finally let himself face the pain I put him through, allowed him to think, feel angry, miserable, I was happy to hear that. He denied that and buried for so long--I wanted to give him more time to do this. Also, I know that it's important for him to live with honor....I too thought of leaving so he wouldn't have to lie to me, live his life the way he wants...he's not the type to lie. I know that he's moving toward living honestly, and I need to give him space to do that...finish things with OW or me to get there....it's not something I want to be around for either. He's still dishonest, but as I read here on another thread, I think now it's to avoid details that are not what they seem, but are a reminder of a painful act.
Last night we had a little fight and I lost it. I was so scared of my own reaction. I was hysterical. I just started crying and getting panicked. I think that all this time, I have pushed down my own feelings, and realized that when we have a fight, and H gets angry or aloof in tone, starts shutting me out and gets quiet (b.c that's his reaction to my anger or any conflict) I panick b/c I fear that he's running away emotionally and to another person. We both have really bad reactions to what we did to each other. It took a lot to calm myself down....which is frustrating b/c I've been so calm lately.
So, last night, I decided to move out. I think it'll be good for both of us, mostly him. It's for 2 weeks and then he goes away for work for over 2 weeks, so a month total. I think that we needed it.
We still need to talk about his affair, etc. But, I'm so sick of being the one to initiate talks, progress etc. I have been putting my heart and soul into fixing this M for so long and now it's about something I didn't even do. I am ready to sit back and wait until he can start being honest with me, come to me and tell me everything, apologize and tell me what he wants--in or out. I did that for him. Plus, it's something he needs to do for HIM. I refuse to ask for an explanation or apology...i shouldn't have to. He knows he needs to talk, but feels that he's lied so much, I wouldn't believe him. He's right. I wouldn't.
We'll have that conversation when the time is right: when I'm ready to believe and he's ready to tell the truth, on his own, not my asking.
Until then, today I'm feeling VERY emotional. But OK. I'm glad to be on my own. I know I can do it. It's good to be out of the house too. Time for me. No rules, we'll call each other when/if we want...to date to be friends. We both agreed that this is a time to REALLY see if we wanted to be together....not simply split b/c of the pain we caused each other or stay together b/c of guilt. This is the time to really see if I am a woman he wants to be married to or if he is a man that I want to be my H. I don't know. It's like starting over, which, in a way, is nice. Also, I'm a little emotional finally allowing myself to see how much I mistrust him, feel him a stranger, have no urge to be truly close to him.
The last thing either of us wants is pity, the other person to stay out of obligation.
