So you send the message that while you talk about the things you want, it is really just talk, because in the end, you show that you are fine with things the way they are. He goes back to his old behavior and you say nothing. So which one is he to believe? Can you see that you have created your own credibility gap? If you aren’t one to shake things up, then why is he?
Cobra... The only thing that's popping into my head right now is a food analogy ( for the nth time) but here goes: Let's say that every nite my H and I discuss what's for dinner and we decide on steak and potatoes. He likes to get the cooking started, so I see him getting out the meat, then I boil the potatoes, and we have a nice meal. In the course of conversation, I say, " Hey, H, how about on Saturday we try that new Indian restaurant around the corner?" H nods along, and I anticipate, and when Sat. rolls around he defrosts the meat again. OK, bad analogy...but here's the thing...his doing that action, and completely " forgetting" about our other plans, just sort of shuts me down. I begin to think that he really didn't want the Indian food...it's unfamiliar and may make his stomach hurt. And in his preparation of the steak, he does a nice job of making it nice so I go ahead and boil the potatoes. And then we agree that the meal is good, and he may ask, oh do you want dessert, but by that time my feelings are closed off because our original plan has been replaced by his typical safe meal.
So at what point do I re-assert I'd like to try Indian, so to speak? I know I am locked in fusion here and I can't get out.
Throw some curry on the steak Mix some chickpeas with the potatoes . If it doesn't agree with his stomach then it's his responsibility to tell you so and then maybe next week you can try Thai and see how that goes down.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
...his doing that action, and completely " forgetting" about our other plans, just sort of shuts me down. I begin to think that he really didn't want the Indian food…
First, how do you know he forgot? Very possibly he did not, but he is doing the exact same thing you are – assuming! Maybe he is thinking you really didn’t want the Indian food because you never brought it up again.
I think this is such an easy thing to overcome, at least for this food example. Just talk more. You are both scared to take a stand and lead so you have two people following each other and you are like a ship without a rudder. Set some rules, not as strict practice, but to define whose turn it is to lead. Just for argument sake, say one week you decide what will be done for dinner or going out. Write it down if you have to. The next week let him do so.
I’m sure others here will have better ideas than I. But I am seeing nothing more than timidity to communicate. Am I missing something?
That really is the heart of our problems...our communication style sucks. There is a lot of nonverbal stuff going on and in the meantime resentments brew. And when the words do come out, they're expressed in an angry, critical and sometimes explosive way. By both of us.
I know I have a problem with self-assertion. I ran into an acquaintance-friend the other day, a very bright girl, and somewhere in the course of the convo she threw in something like, " IHJ, you being your most assertive is basically a joke." I'm basically cheerful and easy going... but with my H there is this angry, negative piece from all the communication failures and resultant hurts along the way.
One thing this last sexual go-around made me see is that I watch for my H's signals and work around that. It's just so automatic and nothing gets expressed. A version of this happened in the nonsexual realm this morning. H busied himself with some project and the usual morning routine was thrown off...nothing was discussed, and I filled in what needed to be done. And then I felt resentful because this is the way he controls me.
So once again, I "get" how things in the bedroom really are symbolic of the rest of the interactions ( Lil's theorem #3129).
All this connected for me and this morning I had a talk with H. I told him all it would have taken is one sentence from him: " IHJ, I am busy with abc...can you do xyz?" He said that in a healthy marriage, things don't have to be delineated so specifically( his attempt to deflect) and I said in our marriage, because of past events, they really do. And in the course of this convo, it comes out that he is resentful of doing "abc" all the time in the morning, and we decided we would do abc together...share the task...and after resolving that, the air suddenly seemed so clear between us. The EC was back. He had about 10 minutes, and in that time he put on a video of us taking our daughter home from the hospital when she was born ( 13+ yrs ago), something we meant to do on Mother's Day, and all these sentimental feelings came out. ( a note to Chrome... I looked so mom-like and nonsexy then...amazing the change in me..change is possible). A note to myself... I looked so young and innocent and happy. What happened? And a note to all..don't wait to fix your marriages...H and I have been through so much trauma together...it's so unnecessarily stressful and sad.
He said that in a healthy marriage, things don't have to be delineated so specifically( his attempt to deflect) and I said in our marriage, because of past events, they really do. And in the course of this convo, it comes out that he is resentful of doing "abc" all the time in the morning, and we decided we would do abc together...share the task...and after resolving that, the air suddenly seemed so clear between us. The EC was back. He had about 10 minutes, and in that time he put on a video of us taking our daughter home from the hospital when she was born ( 13+ yrs ago), something we meant to do on Mother's Day, and all these sentimental feelings came out. ( a note to Chrome... I looked so mom-like and nonsexy then...amazing the change in me..change is possible). A note to myself... I looked so young and innocent and happy. What happened? And a note to all..don't wait to fix your marriages...H and I have been through so much trauma together...it's so unnecessarily stressful and sad. Wow. I could relate to so much of what you wrote here IHJ. H and I used to think being specific was not necessary in a "healthy" M. But that was proved wrong. Looks like you and H really had a breakthrough there. Oh, and the mother video, I know exactly what you mean about looking so innocent and non-sexy. Yikes. My friends were over the other day and one of our photo albums was out. They were looking at the piuctures and in all seriousness they said, "I just can't believe that is you. You look so different." I was probably about 20 pounds heavier, glasses, very frumpy dress, you get the idea. Totally different than I am now. It kind of makes me sad to look at those pictures now because, unlike you, I also feel like I was very unhappy about myself then. So yes, change IS possible. And I wholeheartedly agreewith this: And a note to all..don't wait to fix your marriages...H and I have been through so much trauma together...it's so unnecessarily stressful and sad.
I am clarifying this for myself: My H does what he wants instead of what I expect him to do or what was discussed previously, and I go along with his agenda because it's too difficult to be self assertive. When I attempt to assert myself, he will deflect, making it even harder. In the end, there is an underlying issue for both of us ( he is equally non-assertive but covers it up through actions instead of communicating). If we can get to the issue...the compromising part seems easy.
Self-message to IHJ... Stay on track with what you want, express yourself, differentiate. Someone once told me, " If you don't have your own agenda, someone else will. " Rememeber that. And remember that my H is covering up stuff too when he goes off plan. Get to the issue.
It was interesting, LFL, to see just how happy and young and yes, frumpy I was... I radiated maternal happiness. I had my subtle humor and was hamming it up a bit on video. I definitely had the warm fuzzies.
And while I was in my suspended reminiscing mode of how great allt hat was...my H says to me, " IHJ...you know I am proud of you, you really grew up." Bubble burst-ed...he likes me better this way.
Am I correct in recalling that you and your H are counselors and that he is a PhD (or was that someone else)? What type of counseling do you two do? His ideas on communication in a marriage seem a little odd for someone who deals with issues like this for a living, or maybe he works with something completely different?
hahaha, Cobra...You are thinking of Karen and her H. My H is an oral surgeon...he pulls teeth out for a living...kind of fits in, don't you agree? Not much chance of verbal communication there,lol.
Mix some chickpeas with the potatoes 
. If it doesn't agree with his stomach then it's his responsibility to tell you so and then maybe next week you can try Thai and see how that goes down.