IHJ, you don't have to justify taking Wellbutrin. Why did you phrase it that way? You're a grown woman and have the right to take anything you want for any reason you want? Do you know that?

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In once week's time I have been able to move from blah, LD-land to having more deisre, and in that time my H has gone from saying that he needs the sex for our connection to yesterdays " you seem obsessed with sex." If I could detach a minute I could see how ridiculous this is...I don't do anything overt...I just convey the feeling that I am feeling good...and I overwhelm him.

What if we make this ALL 100% TOTALLY about him? What if you experiment with NOT linking his change in sexual mood to anything about you or how you are. You're practically attributing to him the powers of a mind-reader. How does that model make your life easier?

NOTAltDave had a great post about staying in the moment and not predicting his W's response to him in advance.

I saved one of his posts that I found very insightful:
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* Don't predict the future based upon today...don't perceive today based upon the past...live exactly in the moment.

This was the key to the whole thing. Even the other night a part of me was frisky and the act of asking for sex just killed my mood despite her lack-luster disrobing. I started trying to place blame on my W and she said "what would you rather do...bitch and feel bad or focus on the fact that you have a naked woman straddling you right now". These are hard habits to break. Always have faith that your mood can change...it's you choice to have change.

The SSM issue is one that allows you to observe and address everything in the R that *can* be fixed. But the bottom line might be that your spouse simply doesn't dig the sex thing...$hit happens. When I learned to accept it and stopped trying to manipulate her, something interesting happened...I gained a level of self-respect and emotional independence which allowed me to be more like "me" and less like "her". It took a lot of work to do this and I'm still not certain if the average person can simply "flip a switch" to go down this path without a series of dumb moves (like I made). I've learned that her occasional frigidity is no reflection on me or my prowess. Now, I will say that her willingness and responses to my advances *did* change and as a result, the frequency increased.

* Be aware that your high desire to have more sex/attention from your spouse might be coming from something else that you are unaware of.

I was surprised by how much my desire for sex was about relieving the anxiety over my dad dying. I would have never associated the two but now it's obvious that my anxiety was my reaction to grief rather than a normal grieving response.

* The key is that "changing your perceptions changes the reality of things".
You control the influx of thoughts that enter your head. Why let things in that make you feel bad? Why feel bad about the things you let in? Whenever you feel the influx of bad vibes, stop, close your eyes, take about 20 very deep breaths while saying "you aren't welcome in my head". You'll be amazed at the results. Again, much of it has to do with living in the moment and not letting old crap in.

* Wholeheartedly defend the validity of your feelings and never allow anyone to make you feel guilty about them. If your feelings aren't in sync with your spouse, that's not your problem...get over it and give them space to get over it. Don't let your spouse manipulate you into believing that you should be a mind-reader. I hate coffee but my mother in law would always offer it to me. I would get angry because she never seemed to remember that I don't like it. Is "anger" the appropriate response when someone offers you something? Why should she be responsible for remembering my tastes? This ties in with evilness of "assumptions" and the desire to have others be "plugged into" you - that's a "fused" concept where you want others to compensate for your own weaknesses. Just as I should always say "no thank you...that was nice of you to ask", your spouse should do the same when you ask for some LM time....and you should keep on asking as if you can't remember anything about his/her past patterns. Learn to confidently accept the rejection.

* Be ready to accept and work with the reality of the situation...whatever it may be. One of my Cs said that my responsibility to my W is to include her in all 4 areas of *my* life...parenting, household, intimacy, and sex. I emphasized "my" because thats what it comes down to...maintaining your individuality while including your partner in these areas.

Again, there's no "system" to making a horny spouse...it will either happen or it won't. You only have control over yourself, your responses, and your perception of the situation. I no longer write about what's wrong with our situation because I *choose* to only focus on what's right. I live in the moment and expect the same from her. I acknowledge that her feelings are no more valid than mine and I expect the same from her. When it's important, I listen to her and repeat back what I think I heard her say and I expect the same from her.