Here is the current dynamic as I see it: When I am LD, everything is a-okay with H. He looks for a good connection between us, makes sure there isn't any underlying hostility, and initiates frequently and in the same way. If I could accept this, we would have a regular and satisfying sex life. But the problem is that I don't like walking around LD. I seem to derive some sexual charge by being more pro-active in my sexuality, and advancing to the pre-alpha stage I talked about earlier, the one where I put some work in to get the tingles going, and then look to H to be that cool alpha male who will provide the initiation and remainder of the heat. The problem is, once I move into pre-alpha status, my H senses this and becomes LD. This gets to be very frustrating, and in the past, I would escalate into more alpha behaviors with dramatic, out of control behavior, inevitably leading to tears. This would provides the catalyst for my H to bring out his passionate side ( I guess it's the combination of the vulnerability he sees in me in me and guilt). If only I could be a compliant LD...but it doesn't work for me. It's just not enough. I want the tingles. Pre-alpha with an alpha partner is my fantasy ( and I have been fantasizing a bit too much about that).
I am really at a loss to get H to respond to my more sexually charged self ( which in my opinion is not so intimidating). I will do my best not to get worked up into alpha, wacko mode with tears and all...it's just so unhealthy--- it's the one piece of integrity I will carry with me. I don't want to do down any road that will lead me to depression/melt-down. Pre-alpha is where I function best.
How do I get H to respond to me when I am revved up in a nice, moderate way?
The promise I made to myself is to maximize my time in theis tingle state. It feels right. Otherwise I feel that same fem-bot feeling I talked about in Jenny's thread.
I know how to have a regular sex life with H...be connected, be nice, look pretty, and be happy with the same ol' sex. And don't act or feel too sexual...he picks up on it.
