Schnarch indicates that the "higher" levels of sex include roleplaying, but that many (perhaps most) couples will never be able to reach that point of differentiation. Be patient.
Oh, and I think I can speak on behalf of most of the other HD males here, definitely not TMI!
Well, I don't agree that role-playing is necessarily very high level. Sure, my H could dress up as a dock worker (stop, chuckling) but he wouldn't be able to sustain any dirty talk related to "character." IHJ, way to go on the dirty talk scenario. I'm envious. H is very uncomfortable with talking during sex. I think it's hot. sigh
Well - Scharch does refer to role playing as a "higher order" interaction but he also says that role playing can be done at a low level or a high level. It can be done at a surface level or an intimate level.
IHJ, Can you can discuss your fantasies with H in a safe time and place, making sure he understands that you are not asking him to fulfill any of them? My thought is that if you let him into your mind that he might get curious or might on a whim decide to play one of them out. I know, it is kind of scary and hard to talk about this, it leaves you very vulnerable and there's also the fear of scaring him off. That's why I was suggesting trying to do it in a safe way (no not a Safeway supermarket silly , although that might be fun ). Nope, I haven't been able to muster the courage to talk in depth about my fantasies with Mrs GGB either: she insists she has none, so it makes it even harder to open up that box. She did buy a shortish dress and promised to wear it with no panties when she loses enough weight to fit into it though, so I guess she did hear me a little (not that I expect it to ever actually happen though).
The frustrating thing to me is that my H largely resists any role play I might suggest but he has suggested role play to me that is WAY more edgy than anything I might want.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
That's why I was trying to say talk about it without an obligation on either party to actually do it (heck, some fantasies are better left as fantasies). The main purpose of sharing it is to open a window into each other's soul so that each can better understand the other. With that understanding, and the closeness it fosters, your mate may try to adapt to better fit you.
Here is the current dynamic as I see it: When I am LD, everything is a-okay with H. He looks for a good connection between us, makes sure there isn't any underlying hostility, and initiates frequently and in the same way. If I could accept this, we would have a regular and satisfying sex life. But the problem is that I don't like walking around LD. I seem to derive some sexual charge by being more pro-active in my sexuality, and advancing to the pre-alpha stage I talked about earlier, the one where I put some work in to get the tingles going, and then look to H to be that cool alpha male who will provide the initiation and remainder of the heat. The problem is, once I move into pre-alpha status, my H senses this and becomes LD. This gets to be very frustrating, and in the past, I would escalate into more alpha behaviors with dramatic, out of control behavior, inevitably leading to tears. This would provides the catalyst for my H to bring out his passionate side ( I guess it's the combination of the vulnerability he sees in me in me and guilt). If only I could be a compliant LD...but it doesn't work for me. It's just not enough. I want the tingles. Pre-alpha with an alpha partner is my fantasy ( and I have been fantasizing a bit too much about that).
I am really at a loss to get H to respond to my more sexually charged self ( which in my opinion is not so intimidating). I will do my best not to get worked up into alpha, wacko mode with tears and all...it's just so unhealthy--- it's the one piece of integrity I will carry with me. I don't want to do down any road that will lead me to depression/melt-down. Pre-alpha is where I function best.
How do I get H to respond to me when I am revved up in a nice, moderate way?
The promise I made to myself is to maximize my time in theis tingle state. It feels right. Otherwise I feel that same fem-bot feeling I talked about in Jenny's thread.
I know how to have a regular sex life with H...be connected, be nice, look pretty, and be happy with the same ol' sex. And don't act or feel too sexual...he picks up on it.
Quote: I know how to have a regular sex life with H...be connected, be nice, look pretty, and be happy with the same ol' sex. And don't act or feel too sexual...he picks up on it.
Any way out of this dysfunction?
Girlfriend, I don't know. My cynical side wants to say that based on my experience there really are very few men who actually want to be with a woman who has a high sex drive or any sort of assertive sexuality. Of course, most men don't want to be with women who have an actively low drive and completely passive sexuality. IMO they mostly want to be with women whose sexuality is limited to being strongly sexually responsive (except maybe CeMar- I think this is what I like about him).
Of course, I shouldn't pick on men. Women have their own problems. Women mostly want men to be sexually assertive and affectionate but they want men to be sexually assertive and affectionate for the right reasons and in the right way and these reasons and ways vary from woman to woman. For instance, some women would be offended that their H got turned on because she was wearing a new red bra and some women would be delighted. Some women would be delighted that their H was affectionate because the refridgerator was clean and some women would be disgusted.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Girlfriend, I don't know. My cynical side wants to say that based on my experience there really are very few men who actually want to be with a woman who has a high sex drive or any sort of assertive sexuality.
I would be willing to be in the scientific study trying to prove or disprove your point. Just supply me the assertively sexual woman and I'll report the results back in, say, 10 years. That should be enough time for the study.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
, although that might be fun 
). Nope, I haven't been able to muster the courage to talk in depth about my fantasies with Mrs GGB either: she insists she has none, so it makes it even harder to open up that box. She did buy a shortish dress and promised to wear it with no panties when she loses enough weight to fit into it though, so I guess she did hear me a little (not that I expect it to ever actually happen though). 
