It was helpful to recall the early history with my H...reminds me that our relationship was never really based on sex, and that there were problems from the beginning.
I feel my sexuality isn't beta( submissive)...but it's not alpha either. It's more like pre-alpha, in that I would do best with someone more HD encouraging me to expand myself. I get bored with someone more beta. But even in the HD partner scenario there could be problems-- I would still have to learn about boundaries and self assertion, but in the other direction ( i.e. speaking up to not do something that wasn't comfortable for me). For instance, I don't think I'd get along with Corri's ex...I'd probably end up feeling like a failure. With my H I felt I had more control, but I couldn't sustain the sex life...wasn't alpha enough.
Where is that nurturing, sensitive HD man? ( the guys on this BB all raise their hands...sigh)
Now back to the present... Last night H initiated. I had a feeling he would because we were getting along all evening ( had grilled for the first time this spring and there was good EC), I had bathed and put on a pretty outfit ( so he knew I wasn't closed off), and I was all aroma-ed out ( H is sensitive to smells). So I get into bed and he sniffs me and there's some arousal and he initiates and we do our usual thing. I don't see how there is any room for me to throw in some caped masked man fantasy stuff there. And it just wouldn't work with H because when I see him, I don't think " sexy, mysterious." I feel "friendly, into the house and chores and kids."
So I am getting to a more realistic place. Basically I have to accept the sex life we have now ( which is a better than 2 yrs ago when I posted first posted here). H is back to being connected to me and says he needs the sex to stay that way. I asked him what frequency he felt he needed, and he said 2-3x a week. In an act of assertion, I said that one of those times should be a bit more spicy, and as a matter of fact, I felt that way now...and I proceeded to make myself cum, asking H to say dirty things along the way. Okay,robably TMI...but I am trying to find a way to incorporate some of my more fun, playful, dark stuff in here without overwhelming H.
