Quote: J, Were you sexually submissive to H when you first began your R?
okay, Dr. HP, the simple answer to your question is no, I wasn't submissive...I was the HD one, in an indirect ( i.e. non- aggressive) manner.
Now some details... I met H in my junior yr of college---we were standing around with a group of people and I thought he was shyly handsome. I was immediately attracted to him which is a rare thing for me. I remember going back to the dorm that day and telling my friend I met a really cute guy. As it turns out, H and I were in a class together---we began to sit next to each other and talk as friends. There was an undercurrent of attraction there, at least on my part. There was also added drama in that H had recently begun to work out in the gym with my ex-bf, the guy I dated since the first week of college, my " first", love of my life, etc...who was most definitely HD and who really got me going. Ex-bf was angry with me ( and H) about our new friendship, which of course added fuel to the fire.
Our first date was when H made the "bold" move to ask me out for pizza. We were commiserating over the failures of our prior relationships ( H was hurt by his gf of nearly a yr who dumped him for "running hot and cold". He talked about how he would do things differently in his next relationship ( hahaha...joke's on me). I was devastated by my that ex-bf, had no interest in others til H sparked my curiosity.
Anyway, one evening H and I spontaneously decide to meet at this dance club where college kids went. I was very revved up and excited...I went with my friends and just lit up when I saw H. We were about to talk and a strange thing happened---a girl ( whom I didn't know) came up and kissed H! I turned away, obviously upset, did not know what to think. H came running over, telling me she's this wacky, flirty, drunk girl who means nothing to him. He must have been stirred up by my display of jealousy/emotion and passionately kissed me! And thus began the start of our sexual relationship.
I think H and I would have continued on and on as friends had there not been a catalyst, despite my sending out those "I want you" vibes. And I wasn't aggressive enough to " go for it first."
Karen, I guess the question is how do I reclaim myself in the context of being married to a man who suppresses my sex drive...even when we have an active sex life.
From my last post ( and following along on the theme on Jenny's thread) I feel my H is a beta male who needs some drama or spark to become passionate. The drama often comes in a blow up fight or meltdown which is just not healthy. If I create drama in a more sexual kind of way, he is overwhelmed and not responsive. We go back to this very safe, connected sex stuff which is nice but doesn't give me the opportunity to express myself...we then have a regular sex life, but I go LD.
My first step is to start from the beginning ( from 3 yrs ago,when I reclaimed my sexuality) and go through those steps again. I have a responsibility to myself to keep that spark within me going. I have been feeling so blah lately and it's up to me to create the tingles. It's not all H's fault as there are various stresses on me that affect my libido.
So plan one is to get my sex drive going. I already have a blueprint for this and will follow it...take sensual baths every nite, read something erotic...I picked up an Ann Rice Vampire book and got tkts to L'Estat on Broadway...that should stimulate my senses. If H doesn't want to go I am sure a friend of mine will. I am considering restarting a low dose of the antidepressant Wellbutrin because it helps me to feel the orgasmic contractions and get more selfish pleasure out of sex. The harder part will be to incorporate H into all this. I am hoping that through therapy he has gotten to a more open place and will enjoy my energy. If not, I may just have to accept the way things are and just do these things for myself.
Hi IHJ I like your plan. It sounds like you are going to try to not suppress your sex drive anymore, just express yourself in a different way. And hope H jumps on the bandwagon sooner or later. I find it interesting that you say your H needs some drama or spark to become passionnate (like a fight), but will not respond to overt sexuality from you. Why do you think that is? Has it always been that way? Sometimes we just condition ourselves to respond a certain way out of bad habits. Does he not like the aggressive IHJ? Does he ever become aggressive (sexually) himself?
LFL... My H's sex drive really comes from connection. I remember the first time he said " I love you " to me. It wasn't in the throes of sex ( which occurred with that HD ex-bf)--- it was after I visited with him his sick grandmother in the hospital.
There was always a prudish, anxious side to my H's sexuality. Looking back to those college days and having come out of that HD relationship( where I was accustomed to having sex all over campus), in contrast, my H would get nervous if I were too close to the window in the dorm. It was confusing but kind of sweet.
And our first sexual experience...well this was interesting. H and I were fooling around in the room. I was definitely ready to go further but was again waiting for H to lead the way. Just my personality. When that moment came, he lost his erection. I was like, okay, and got ready to leave the room and that's when he grabbed me and off we went.... Later on he told me it was because he was still having feelings of attachment towards his old gf. I was very tolerant of this because I was going through my own personal hell. Well, "they" ( whoever they are)say that rebound relationships don't work out... but we really were on the same wavelength and got each other. We also had a lot of fun. At the time I was more of a type 1 perfectionistic, compulsive, worrier, and H's laid-back style was new to me. I helped H to focus and he threw me off schedule a lot. We'd go camping in the Georgia mountains and just take in the scenery. We'd go to parks and have chocolate banana shakes. I guess I began to picture a family with him.
Okay, I went off on a tangent....just giving some history to try to figure this whole thing out.
Oh and Hairdog, I'd love to scoop you up and take to to the show...but you are decidedly male.
It was helpful to recall the early history with my H...reminds me that our relationship was never really based on sex, and that there were problems from the beginning.
I feel my sexuality isn't beta( submissive)...but it's not alpha either. It's more like pre-alpha, in that I would do best with someone more HD encouraging me to expand myself. I get bored with someone more beta. But even in the HD partner scenario there could be problems-- I would still have to learn about boundaries and self assertion, but in the other direction ( i.e. speaking up to not do something that wasn't comfortable for me). For instance, I don't think I'd get along with Corri's ex...I'd probably end up feeling like a failure. With my H I felt I had more control, but I couldn't sustain the sex life...wasn't alpha enough.
Where is that nurturing, sensitive HD man? ( the guys on this BB all raise their hands...sigh)
Now back to the present... Last night H initiated. I had a feeling he would because we were getting along all evening ( had grilled for the first time this spring and there was good EC), I had bathed and put on a pretty outfit ( so he knew I wasn't closed off), and I was all aroma-ed out ( H is sensitive to smells). So I get into bed and he sniffs me and there's some arousal and he initiates and we do our usual thing. I don't see how there is any room for me to throw in some caped masked man fantasy stuff there. And it just wouldn't work with H because when I see him, I don't think " sexy, mysterious." I feel "friendly, into the house and chores and kids."
So I am getting to a more realistic place. Basically I have to accept the sex life we have now ( which is a better than 2 yrs ago when I posted first posted here). H is back to being connected to me and says he needs the sex to stay that way. I asked him what frequency he felt he needed, and he said 2-3x a week. In an act of assertion, I said that one of those times should be a bit more spicy, and as a matter of fact, I felt that way now...and I proceeded to make myself cum, asking H to say dirty things along the way. Okay,robably TMI...but I am trying to find a way to incorporate some of my more fun, playful, dark stuff in here without overwhelming H.
