Well, I feel my sex drive is a little like Star Wars drama... " Journey, don't give into the dark side." Actually, on the plane, there were a few little kids talking about the dark side with such authority, like it's a real place and all...was cute.
I went to bed last night and my H did initiate in the familiar, non tantalizing way, and I found myself drifting off, thinking about how I can make this better for myself, also feeling a bit of self pity and apathy as well. But I stayed connected to H and turned it around in my head, thinking that it's so nice we have this loving, peaceful sex life now, and then an interesting thing happened: he stopped and began just really touching me, feeling me...it was so simple, and I found myself aroused and into it.
So bye-bye to the dark side...this is better.
And afterwards, H asks me...Are you satisfied? Do you feel cared for? Very sweet, very tuned in.
I still miss my HD self and I am hoping I will get the chance and motivation to bring it out.
Maybe you could do some simple things that would sort of set the scene for sex more along the lines of whatever dark fantasy you might be having? For instance, you could dress the part or adjust the lighting or put on appropriate music. I mean your H might be overwhelmed if you told him "I want you to be a sinister stanger in bed tonight." but he might seem like enough of a sinister stranger to make you hot if he would just agree to wear a black mask. You don't have to make a big deal out of it. If he seems reluctant or insulted by such a suggestion you could just tell him that it is the equivalent of getting a craving for spicy Indian food every once in a while even though you are generally happy with the excellent comfort food he offers up on a regular basis.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Relevant to this, I am listening to Schnarch talking about the three types of sex, and how they pull us further and further out of our comfort zones. The first type is the sensate focus, or self-focused sex, where we are concentrating on the physiological goings-on in our own bodies. The second type is the partner-focused sex, what he sometimes refers to as "eyes-opened sex." He talks about how difficult it is to have an eyes-opened orgasm, and how we are not so much afraid of what we might see, but rather, afraid that our partner will be able to see into our "windows of the soul." The third type is "role-playing" sex, which can be a real challenge to people's comfort zones. It's all about the "willing to tolerate discomfort, for growth" aspect of differentiation.
And you know I'm already up to the "role-playing" sex. I play the "I want you, let's do it" sex-crazed man, and she plays the role of "it ain't happening" disgusted-with-men woman. We're getting pretty good at it, too. I'm thinking the next roles should be her playing the "I'm going to bed...I mean, I'm going to sleep" clear-about-not-wanting-to-be-touched-anytime-soon woman, and me playing the "I'm going downstairs to MB so I can relax enough to sleep" frustrated-man.
Well, J, the thing you and I have discovered is that when we are too passive, we end up becoming LD. We can blame this on our H's, for not fulfilling the dominant role better...or we can come up with ideas to become more active without throwing the whole dynamic out of whack. Passively active. Active but not overwhelming. Whatever.
I do think that if I accept the staus quo, I can cognitively spin it around only so many times before I get frustrated. And I think that's the point you began re-posting on the BB.
I feel right now I'm at a place of calm, kind of content, and blah. My solution is to make Saturdays my spice-it-up nite...I have more time to get into sexual mode, and H isn't feeling work pressure. Gives me something to work on and look forward to. Even if it's a flop, at least I am putting myself in the game...not sure what I will come up with, but I love your suggestion...really made me laugh.
Yeah HD, I picture it already... Journey hands H a black mask, telling him she wants him to be a bad man tonite. Journey then gets all sexed out in slutty outfit...waits for H to make his grand entry. And waits. Journey puts robe on, and finds H with S11 watching Batman together. The end.
Well, J, the thing you and I have discovered is that when we are too passive, we end up becoming LD. We can blame this on our H's, for not fulfilling the dominant role better...or we can come up with ideas to become more active without throwing the whole dynamic out of whack. Passively active. Active but not overwhelming. Whatever. __________________________________________________________
Well guys...I am back to square one. H and I had been making progress, and then this emotional storm hits ( my friend's father passing away). I go back to my hometown, am flooded with the nostalgia of childhood, drive past the house I grew up in, felt waves of sadness but also a sensation of safety...I know the streets here by rote, although it's been yrs since I have been back. Things are different yet a lot the same...I have this yearning feeling of wanting to stay here in this town, my anchor.
The next day I go back with H, and everything between us just deteriorates. I am not comforted by his presence...in fact, just the opposite happens, his presence agitates me. Symbolically, we get into a fight about a ring...I ask him to come with me to the store to fix it, and he states, " Oh IHJ, you can deal with that on your own ( ie...stop bothering me). And it occurs to me why I am so upset..I have felt so alone in this marriage, so freakin' independent. I say back to H that of course I can handle it, but I wanted to go with you.
I am tired of teaching him how to care for me.
Anyway, I ended up dredging up a lot of bad memories...the bottom line is that I don't think we are very good at supporting one another. He seems rah-rah about the future and I am hurting over the past. He has never been good at comforting me and I'm thinking is this the way I want to spend the rest of my life....
Our fighting led to the hot sex that I have been wanting...even that made me feel yucked out, like that's the only way we get passion going.
And the sex hasn't helped the tension and distance I feel from and towards him today...I feel a lot of sadness and anger, and I hope it will pass.
I know this might sound like I'm beating up on Types 4s (again) but let me share my perspective. I remember once during pretty much the height of sexual starvation in my marriage, a co-worker of my H's who he barely knew committed suicide. He was quite affected by this and wanted to talk about it with me and wanted me to offer comfort to him. I did the best I could but it struck me as odd that my husband could be so sensitive about the death of a virtual stranger but so ice cold when confronted with his wife really crying her heart out due to a lack of physical attention. Therefore, this kind of behavior at times has caused me to regard his Type 4 empathy and sorrow as being somewhat self-indulgent. It's like someone who purposely goes to see sad movies because they like to cry and then wants you to comfort them afterwards. I'm not saying that you are like this but just trying to show that this might be how your H might be feeling. Frequently, I have felt like my H doesn't think that I have feelings that can be hurt just because I generally want to have an optimistic rah-rah outlook like your husband. It really disturbed me that he would frequently want to have sex with me only after he made me cry.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: He seems rah-rah about the future and I am hurting over the past.
I could feel the sadness in those words and it brought tears to my eyes. Because I know how you feel. I know exactly how you feel.
Fact is if we want to move forward we have to let go of the past. I to am having a hard time with it. But one thing I have prmised myself is that I won't bring up the past to him at all.
Maybe you are just feeling worn down with the emotional week you had. Maybe you could tell him you just need some love and time with right now. A lot of times men are so not good at being mind readers. They don't know how we are feeling and sometimes don't know the best way to comfort us.
I'm sorry if I seemed too harsh in my last post. I keep identifying you too much with my Type 4 LD real life friend. She is currently in ,IMO, a self-destructive mode concerning her marriage. For instance, she is not meeting her H's sexual needs but she is encouraging him to attend a weekly co-ed poker game party on Saturday nights during which the participants tend to get quite wasted. I think I associate her H with your H and therefore tend to think of him as being a really nice, caring guy who she/you would regret losing in the long run.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I know exactly how you feel.