Well guys...I am back to square one. H and I had been making progress, and then this emotional storm hits ( my friend's father passing away). I go back to my hometown, am flooded with the nostalgia of childhood, drive past the house I grew up in, felt waves of sadness but also a sensation of safety...I know the streets here by rote, although it's been yrs since I have been back. Things are different yet a lot the same...I have this yearning feeling of wanting to stay here in this town, my anchor.
The next day I go back with H, and everything between us just deteriorates. I am not comforted by his presence...in fact, just the opposite happens, his presence agitates me. Symbolically, we get into a fight about a ring...I ask him to come with me to the store to fix it, and he states, " Oh IHJ, you can deal with that on your own ( ie...stop bothering me). And it occurs to me why I am so upset..I have felt so alone in this marriage, so freakin' independent. I say back to H that of course I can handle it, but I wanted to go with you.
I am tired of teaching him how to care for me.
Anyway, I ended up dredging up a lot of bad memories...the bottom line is that I don't think we are very good at supporting one another. He seems rah-rah about the future and I am hurting over the past. He has never been good at comforting me and I'm thinking is this the way I want to spend the rest of my life....
Our fighting led to the hot sex that I have been wanting...even that made me feel yucked out, like that's the only way we get passion going.
And the sex hasn't helped the tension and distance I feel from and towards him today...I feel a lot of sadness and anger, and I hope it will pass.
