I am back from a family mini-vacation. The place reminded us of our honeymoon, and my H kept referring to the trip as a second honeymoon, throwing in that we have been more sexually connected now than then. He was really disappointed in our honeymoon...never confronted it...told me he was confused by the lack of sex( of course did nothing about it)...and it comes out 20 yrs later! So IHJ's H wins the conflict avoidance award on this BB.
Just some random thoughts here for now-- my kids are 13 and 11, at an age where they want/need some independence but want/need to be with us as well. And something I noticed is that they are really taking in the family dynamics( and are a big part of them)...you just can't hide stuff from them...it actually gets harder, not easier, as they get older. I think Cobra posted something about the way kids pick up the tension...and I find myself saying how much I want to heal the damage...create that functional, happy family feeling, and my H is on board with that too. My H and I are invested on helping our kids get stronger as well, but it starts by having peace and good feeling betwen the two of us.
And toward that end, H and I are so much more forgiving and accepting of each other. On the day we left, we ended up missing our flight ( due to H's timing miscalculations ). Normally this would set me off into a condescending, critical mode of feeling which would permeate through the rest of the trip....instead, I saw that he was really trying hard...he was devastated by it...I began to see that we both have our weak areas...we didn't understand each other...didn't understand ourselves...just had a lot of high expectations... and had so much disappointment along the way. Anyway, as luck would have it, we were able to get the last 4 seats on the next flight.
On another occasion, my H wanted to to take a spontaneous ferry ride excursion while I was " stuck" in wanting to just stay back at the hotel and do the beach thing( wanted him to take the kids). I was being really obstinate, but he insisted on us doing a family thing and we had a fun time. I began to see how some of my stubbornness impinges on his spontaneity, to the detriment of the marriage.
At one point he lost his temper with my son...son runs to me, and H and daughter align themselves, with H getting defensive about his role in it all. I was able to get through to H, really spoke my peace, told daughter to stop taking sides and aggravating the sitch, and she actually saw this too...and we all calmed down. And that is the goal...less friction, more happy times. In mny FOO, lound, escalating fighting was the norm ( my father was a lawyer, had good verbal skills...my mom liked to provoke, was very bright and good at this). In H's family, silent tension ruled...I think this one of the reasons why just getting along is so difficult. I have to re-read the part in PM about daring to be happy.
Sexually, things were very nice. Despite my H's moments of distraction, impulsivity, anger, when he's sane he has this very relaxed, laid-back demeanor to him which can make me feel safe, and is a good balance to my intensity. The trick is to stay connected. We both now understand that the physical/sexual contact is important to our bonding, and we ML every day while we were away. He is telling me he needs this kind of connection...which is so different from when I joined the BB 2 yrs ago. The other trick is for me not to get so hurt/withdrawn by his crazies...he truly is really trying to get it together. I am allowing him to take charge with the initiations...my choice...I would like some more change, kinkiness, etc. but that's not H's style. I'm figuring out that I am the LD one...he gets aroused in a quiet way by connection...I am looking for drama. A personality thing...the difference between 9 and 4's...for now I am doing it his way because I want to enjoy his way of dominance. At some point I"ll probably get too bored and have to do the self assertion, PM thing again, but right now, we are at a healing phase.
