Am I Creating a SSM Part II

[heatherg]

There's still so many posts that I want to go back and think through and respond to...I'm hesitant to get into a discussion of FOO. But what the hell, it's Friday, I've had a drink and I've got some time, so I'll outline some of the things from my childhood that stand out.

I have three siblings, a brother and sister that are 11 and 10 years older than me and a brother who is 6 years younger than me. I never really knew my older siblings b/c they moved out and went into the military before I was old enough to understand. It was like having two separate families for my parents I would think. Anyway, the older two were like super heroes to me and my younger brother was just a pain in the a@@ who ruined my stuff. I had some odd issues with him. Sometimes I would scare him or make him cry just so that I could comfort him. I can remember having inappropriate dreams about him, of a somewhat sexual nature and I can remember waking up thinking "Gross, WTF???" We fought like cats and dogs as he got a little older. I was not a nice big sister.

My parents were alcoholics. My Dad was a mean SOB when he was drunk, and I do mean that. My brother and I didn't have it as bad as my older siblings because age was kicking in however so subtlely by the time we were old enough to realize what was going on. I was scared stiff of my Dad and mostly wished he would disappear. I was entirely embarrassed by both of my parents, although they certainly were NOT weekday drunks. There were simply partyers. But their drunkeness disgusted me. Literally. As I got older, I refused to be scared of my Dad and stood up to him. I would hide his keys when he was drinking, etc. He would not scare me. Fukc him. When he was drunk, he had certain songs he would sing, he would wake us up, make us sit on his lap while he told us how much he loved us, he'd take us in the truck and make us steer. In the next minute he could be mean as a rattle snake although he NEVER hit me. Just that look on his face and god, he yelled. Always yelling. Stupid [censored]. And Mom and Dad would almost ALWAYS fight when they were drinking...it was like, a given. I would lay in my bed and when they'd pull in the driveway, I would just wait....wait and listen. I could tell within seconds of hearing their voices when they came in how drunk they were. My Dad could get pretty physical with my Mom and she would cry. He was always yelling and she was always crying. I have a few memories that really stay with me, even today.

My Dad lost his legs in a motorcyle accident when my Mom was pregnant with me, so I've never known him to have legs. He was a wild child and a mean drunk before he lost his legs and I don't think that accident helped matters any. I'm sure he had a lot of issues to deal with after that.

I made good grades. I read a lot. We lived 15 miles 'from town' and there wasn't ANYthing to do. I was sort of a tomboy and spent 99% of my time alone. I was a VERY lonely kid. I would play 'school' and I talked to myself a lot. I would be both the student and the teacher because I didn't have anyone my age to play with. I played softball as a kid, but was not good. I was so skinny I quite literally could not swing the bat hard enough to hit the ball. I don't remember my parents ever 'playing' with us, although my brother and I surprisingly had more than most kids we grew up with materially. I made friends easily enough, was well liked in grade school. Tried out for cheerleading in middle school and made it although I didn't make any friends on the squad. My best friends didn't make the squad and they made me feel pretty guilty, you know how mean kids can be. They sort of ganged up on me sometimes...they both lived 'in town' and I lived far away, I felt left out a lot and very lonely. From middle school on, I shunned most of the 'in crowd' and preferred the rebels. My best friend was dead set on gaining the affections of the 'in crowd'. I thought she was pathetic. I shaved the side of my head and chased 'bad boys'.

My parents never encouraged good grades or sports/cheerleading, I was just always finding my own path, but they always made sure I had rides to practices and games and was picked up and taken where I needed to go. They were extremely proud of me. I would go to great lengths to make my Dad laugh, laughing was a good sound, especially coming from Dad. I can remember my Dad picking me up and he always stopped and got me something to eat. I loved (still do) fast food and he always had a whopper or something for me. He'd always start my car in the mornings too and get all the snow off for me so I could go to school. My parents bought me a car and were always very good to me, made sure I had whatever I needed. They paid for my first two years of college. That might not seem like much, considering what we give our kids now, but my parents didn't have much. But I never felt it.

In 4th grade, I was already kissing boys. I was the instigator. Those boys probably thought I was nuts. I was naked with a boy in 6th grade, we laid on top of each other, which was as much as we could figure out about sex. I also got naked with a boy, friend of the family, in a closet. At 16 I had a boyfriend that I cared VERY deeply about. I couldn't look him in the eye, couldn't let him know who I was. I was reluctant to go 'too far' sexually, but we were making healthy progress for that age I think. Then we broke up....and I lost my virginity at 16 to a married man with children....my best friend's uncle no less and he bought us the alcohol that made me so drunk, I don't recall much of it. I was actually surprised to learn afterward that he didn't want anything else to do with me. The night I lost my viginity, I had a suicide attempt. I stole money from a friend's wallet and bought all the sleeping pills they had at the store I went to. I went to 7-11 and bought a Big Gulp and swallowed every single pill. I came back to my friends where they were still drunk and told them what I had done. They said "oh ok" and we all went to bed. I slept with my eyes open, or so they told me. I obviously didn't die. I didn't function well for a few days....threw up horrible, horrible stuff....slept for days. My parents never knew. After I lost my virginity, I figured what the hell, it doesn't matter anymore, I might as well have sex with whoever else wants it. I had 6 one night stands by the time I was 17.

After my boyfriend broke up with me at 16, my heart broke and I sort of just went downhill. I started drinking every weekend, heavily with friends. Never alone or anything that dramatic. Started getting high. Carried speed around with me. Got stopped by the cops on more than one occassion, always got lucky. They'd just make us dump our alcohol and confiscate our drugs. Never any serious trouble, thank god. My friends were not good friends to me...for instance when I was seeing my boyfriend, they were very jealous and liked to make me feel 'left out' if I spent time with him....it was always him or them. I found out much later that he had relations of some sort with both of my best friends behind my back and he had confided in them that he cheated on me when he was away for the summer....they were my best friends and chose to be loyal to him over me, not breaking his 'confidence'. I was thin and I can remember once in middle school referring to being proud of my body and my two best friends shunned me for saying that....I never felt comfortable being outwardly happy with the way I looked after that. I had acne problems that affected my self esteem more than everything else put together. I literally obssessed over it, every second of every day. My skin problems were the primary reason that I could not connect with my boyfriend that I had such strong feelings for....I couldn't even look at him, couldn't understand why he wanted to be with me. He was new in town and literally every girl in school wanted to be with him. Why ME?! My parents took good care of me, I saw a dermatologist and I went on Accutane which was the best thing for me. It was a drug with very bad side effects, but it was the closest thing to a cure, so my parents let me do it. I basically told the doctor, 'either put me on it or I'll kill myself', so he did.
So, at 17 I was drinking and getting high on the weekends, friends were doing it more often. Two best friends dropped out of high school, male (gay) best friend was getting very wrapped up in the party scene. I had 6 one night stands under my belt. Getting ready to try LSD. H walks into my life and it all goes away. Poof. He didn't want me out of his sight and I was more than happy to comply. The rest is history that you already know

There's my FOO as I recall, probably a bit sporadic, but as chronological as I can make it.