...are we going to be able determine that a particular fear came from a particular FOO root so we can figure out who wins each bet? To me, it's like thinking we understand why someone else did a particular thing. We may think we know, we may even feel completely sure, but we turn out to be wrong so often it's usually not worth the effort.
Maybe yes, maybe no. It may not be worth the effort if we end up not being able to identify the source, so I agree there. But you seem to be also asking what is the source? That we may never know if we only go of our memory, which may be dim. But what if Heather is suddenly convinced her problems stem from an alien abduction when she was young? I doubt you or I would think that is truly a source, but if she believes it and is able to settle any anxiety because of it, then hey, I say go with it.
Another thing Lil said that I’ve been meaning to bring up on this board: They can even use not knowing why as an excuse for not making any changes. The why can take a long time, and in fact, may never be totally answered.
I know this one first hand! My W claims to have long ago worked through her “issues” with her mother’s death and the abandonment by her father. I believe that she has been able to come to terms with some of her anger (certainly not all) and process her grief. So it is true she has worked on her FOO. From HER perspective, she found a level of understanding and peace. But since she was not aware of how she treated me (or other men) she had no idea how much was still left to be processed.
So I have come to realize that processing FOO may have to be done on several layers. My W’s FOO that affects our relationship was really set in place BEFORE her mother died or her father left. But that was a natural way of life for her then so she could not see the dysfunction. The obvious problems to focus on were the more visible, traumatic events.
Take Karen’s H as another example. She says he has been to counseling and has processed a lot of the grief from his dad and brother’s suicide. I believe he has, but only enough to protect himself, and only from the needs of a single person. Now in a relationship, the deeper FOO that affects the way he interacts with others becomes evident. There was no reason for these behaviors to come out before. So after thinking about it, I occurred to me how his FOO could be wrapping around so many aspects of his life, just under the surface. So I proposed on Karen’s thread that latest theory on him. I think his FOO issues run very deep. My wife is beginning to understand the depth of her FOO too.
