HP, I knew there was a post from you that I wanted to respond to you, I finally found it.
It's good that you are reading PM; I hope you get lots of good stuff out of it!
It's definitely different than any other self help book I've read and challenges much of my thoughts on intimacy, so it's a good book for provoking thoughts and learning.
You keep stating that all you wanted was an answer to a question and you are differentiating by insisting on that answer. However, let's look at your question:
"The way we're interacting, with you ignoring me and staying down in your room....does that mean that that you're not willing to continue working on the R?"
That wasn't *the* question that started this whole thing, although your comments are still something I need to consider, I just wanted to clarify that wasn't the question I wanted an answer to. *The* question was "Hey, whatever happened to that shirt I bought for S5 with the basketball on it?" His responses to that question, even after I repeated it were "Don't worry about it".
In other words, that was an extremely controlling way to go about "asking" a question, girlfriend! There is no man, no person for that matter, who would have responded well to an inquiry phrased this way.
Really? Man, I need sensitivity training. I see what you are saying. It's like I skip steps now in my communication with H because I ASSume I know the answers to the questions where most people would start out. I do need to spend some time thinking about how to reverse that. Whenever I say things very simply in my head, I feel like it sounds like I'm speaking in a condescending manner, like to a 5 year old. Guess I need to practice some more.
if you *really* want an answer to this question, you have to put aside your own anger and resentment and make yourself vulnerable so that a real convo can ensue.
Excellent point HP. I never thought about this and never even realized that it could be true. Yikes. This could be huge for me, a huge area of improvement. I like to talk, but hide my emotions, particularly because I feel like H is going to disregard me. He never wants to converse, so eventually I started expecting that and hide my emotions to protect myself. Hmm. Self discovery.....it feels weird to realize something about yourself that you've never thought of, ya know? Thanks HP!!!! How to fix it is another story, but at least I see it.
This is a big part of the Schnarch philosophy..setting the scene so that it is the other person's buttheadish behavior that urges them into the crucible. It can NEVER be you who urges your H into the crucible. I could write that a million times over. It can never be you.
I'm not far enough in Schnarch to know what the crucible is yet....or was I just not paying attention? I'm on chapter 5. Should I know what the crucible is by now? Either way, I see your point. He needs to come to terms with whatever the issue is on his own, without my shoving it in his face. Is that close?
What about this: "H I feel so lonely when you are not here with me and you are off in your room. I feel ignored. I'd like to start working on ways we can spend time together."
Whew. I see what you mean about being vulnerable. This would be telling him both something revealing about the way I am feeling and second that he had the power to make it happen, i.e. ignoring me is WORKING!! Nonetheless, this may be the kind of conversing I need to learn how to do....man just that one sentence scares the crap out of me. Sheesh, what does that say about me?????
Stay teflon, baby. You can do it. Shrug off his hateful words and keep repeating what your boundaries are. Do not get sucked in to his ridiculous attempts at making it All About Heather.
Thanks HP, those are really encouraging words and just what I need. When we start talking about changing the way I communicate with H and identifying when he is making ridiculous attempts to make it All About Heather, I get so freaked out because how do I know for sure what he's doing? How do I know for sure if he's truly telling me his feelings, in which case I should try to understand and validate or if he's just creating a diversion, in which case I need to make a boundary and refuse to be dragged into the conversation in the direction he tries to take it?? This is HARD.
Finally, work on making yourself vulnerable. I know it's hard because of the person he is..he'll take advantage of it, mock it, whatever. But it sounds to me like you have such a hard time being direct (with him) that you have to work yourself up to it...and the way you work it up is by phrasing it in vaguely attacking language.
This is so true. I need one on one C with you HP, lol. HELP!!
Well I could be way off, but this is what I see from an outsiders POV.
Everything you've said is right on. Now help me change it
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
