Am I Creating a SSM Part II

[Stigmata]

Heather,

I think part of what has been driving me crazy is trying to 'figure out' what H wants from me because he is not in a position to tell me himself. The problem with that is that I can never *know*. I think I'm moving more in the direction of figuring out what *I* think is right and acting accordingly without trying to predict H's reactions or lack thereof.

- You're getting a lot of good thoughts from OP from the finances discourse. I pulled this from your response to my post. Read the last line above. Bingo. Personally I believe you should apply this statement to your finances as well.

It doesn't matter what anyone here thinks or how your H feels about his own made up ideas of how you should split your finances. Goes back to the martyring yourself for OP first before you take care of self. This will be an very good test of your ability to set boundaries for H. Ask yourself what *you* think is fair for YOU first then look at it as an whole. If you're happy with your decision on what *you* think is right then present it to H, along with nice solid reasons, and don't even think about budging on this new boundary.

And, on a side note, in the event you do agree to his terms and think paying more since you make more is comfortable then I'd sure as hell would come back with, "Oh, and since I'm now paying more I will be sleeping in the master bedroom in our bed and you will be sleeping in the guest room. You are more than welcome to join me in our bed; otherwise, if not, I'll help you move some of your things to the guest room."

Seems only fair for someone who is paying more dontcha think? I do. And I'm always right.

I think I'm ready to admit that I am in fact trying to control this R and I need to stop. What do you think about that?

-- Hm, funny. And not in the ha ha way. Actually I think you don't have an clue as to how even to start to exert control on your R let alone think about trying to do so. From what it looks like to me, H, through his complete fear-based beliefs that he has no control of your R, is paradoxically the person who is in total absolute control over your R.

I think for you it's more like you are looking at an series of diferent sized hoops and are trying to figure out which one to jump through...there are so many and you have tried so many already....and are waiting for H to finally say, "ahh, yes, that's the one I meant."

Nothing to do with the *R*. There really isn't one anymore. There's just an PITA ringmaster H who cannot voice what the Hades he wants from you or what his solutions are for the future. I'll tell you why I think he's like this in a bit...

See, I think if I were to leave, he wouldn't see it as something he could have prevented. In which case, there is no reason to alter his behavior in any way because I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. He tells himself that I have all the 'power' and that he just sits around waiting for the other shoe to drop where I come and tell him I'm moving out.

- This last line. Did he voice this or is this conjecture? If you're mind-scanning, slap to hand, shame on you. But if this is what he said/believes then this is where I'm picking up from my last comment as to why he is the way he is.

He has given all of his power away to you in this R. Total. Absolutely. Willingly. Practically handing it over to you on an silver platter. The defeatist mindset. The wallowing in self-imposed helplessness out of what? Hmmmm...possibly an nonexistent self-esteem, and an lack of maturity to pick himself up from the comfort of his resentment cocoon and get the hell over it already.

This is what originally had lead me to thinking you should be more assertive in establishing normalcy in this situation. Gentle but very firm. Gentle because if you start laying down the law with hard core detachment-type *do this or else* we both know your anger will start to tweak you once he starts mashing on those buttons...along with further cementing his conviction that "Heather can do whatever the hell she damned well pleases...threatening me like this all the time."

He half expects it but doesn't see that he can or should do anything to prevent that from happening.

- ...continuing...in terms of your leaving. Yes. I understand this type of behavior. Goes back to his learned helplessness. Comes after an series of threats or bluffs usually. Conditioning. Like what I said in terms of OP who drop F-bombs every other word in normal convos. You get used to it and the jarring effect is negated the more times you hear it/are exposed to it.

"Oh, great, here we go again. Heather is once again saying if things don't change she will leave me..."

I think your H doesn't even view this ongoing threat (yes, he sees it as such it would seem) of leaving in the same light as an H who one day comes home and finds his W gonzo without prior warning or *threats*. Or, even better, an W who says once and very firmly that the next time he does such and such she's gone.

Why? Because the threat of leaving should only be used by those who are dead serious about setting that as an hard black and white boundary and are willing to follow through the instant it's uttered without hesitation. Like, say, an teacher with strong boundaries versus one with weak ones.

"There is no talking in my class. If I hear anyone utter an word I will send you to the principal's office." Kid whispers something to an giggling mate. "YOU. Out. You're gone. Anyone else want to ignore my rules?"

Whereas the weak teacher will constantly give, "I am warning you, people. If you do not be quiet I will send you to the principal. I will not warn you again so please be quiet and pay attention." (repeated another 2 or 3 times of course)

Unfortunately for everyone in your family, if you did suddenly pack up and leave the slow realization and impact that you are gone will hit him like an slow delayed punch over an period of x amount of time as the numbness from his conditioning slowly wears off. And since he's already fixated that he can't change the situation (of course since he gave all of his power away) he is setting up the "leaving" prophecy to be fulfilled quite nicely thank you. The ball is rolling...

I've stayed very close to home, made sure to call when/if I'll be late and I always make an effort to call from work as opposed to my cell. I've been in C since the very beginning and I've been the one pushing the MC and reading the books, etc. Why would I be pushing so hard to put the M back together if I was seeing someone else?!

- Said in terms of your actions to rebuild "trust." Hm, yes, no accounting for the complete irrationalityy of paranoia once your SO has strayed once. And how would you feel about wearing an ankle monitor? Yes, half-joking but it could inch there eventually the longer H doesn't start trusting you again.

If you haven't outwardly explained to H that you *for now* do the call from work thing and stay close to home blah blah as an show to prove you're trustworthy then I am willing to say H sees this behavior as *normal* Heather daily routines and the new standard. Sucks because when you think your trial period is over and you want to have a bit more freedom it freaks him out that you are "straying" once again beyond this new normal (but in fact abnormal) constrained tight-leashed daily norm.

I saw this in your wanting to go to an harmless yet possibly career-helping dinner with male colleagues. You didn't because he freaked. See? The new dinner *threat* negates your ongoing call from work, stay close to home, reading self-help R books, going to an C hard efforts. Do you see how this can be an endless loop of frustration? Each time you try and stray outside this new artificially restricted way of living it minimizes all of the conscious smaller efforts you are making in your daily life and you are always back to square one...only to begin the whole ordeal over again the next time something new comes along to push the "Heather's freedom" boundaries.

And, again, the calls, staying near home, reading, going to C/MC all turns into conditioningg, ie, "normalcy" after constantly repeating. To point where H doesn't even recognize the uniqueness of it anymore.

And that's the whole problem. This new way of "life on an leash" is not normal and it has an expiration time period as well as it needs always to be pointed out as such and understood as such; that it is abnormal; that both parties need to understand this...so it doesn't turn into the comfortable norm.

Finally, Heather, yes, by all means try and help H to GAL and get his blood flowing as well as finding outside hobbies/interests since it's spring now. Seriously. It will definitely clear his brain from dwelling type thoughts and release endorphins...any physical activity or distraction he likes to get rid of his internal stress.

He appears so powerless (voluntarily mind you) that he is rebelling against living life through passive resistance and pity-party sulking. He is hair-triggered on being *told* what to do. But nothing wrong with *encouraging* him to do something as long as you make it seem fun and/or enjoyable for you both or him alone.

Again, to me he looks like an self-hater with low self-esteem. Where when an huge part of your life goes to sh!t after your SO finds another person more attractive than you, you blame the world and feel rejected and an distant second choice after OM/OW.

Misanthrope.

And learned misanthropes hate having friends, the public, always grouse about the stupidity and worthlessness of lying, cheating, stealing blah blah people in general because there are a lot of things inside themselves they don't like/hate. Why? Why because they are people! And not aliens...although they like to act like they are sometimes.

So, Stig, now that I've clarified that this *did* in fact happen, pretty close to the way you've written above actually, do you have any new insight as to what remorse he may want from me?

- Again, I think your initial show of remorse was quite sufficient...at least to me and probably most OP. This will be your biggest boundary experiment, Heather. You may start with dividing the finances and seeing how well you stick to your guns without crumbling before you take on this one...but it is looming on the horizon.

At some point you are going to have to both lay it all out on the table. You are going to have to point blank ask him if he trusts you and if he doesn't that it is impossible for you to live with someone who cannot trust you not to hurt him again. And I mean lay it all out there. That you either will share that damned bed together like an normal loving M couple with an home and family or else you will both find OP who will love and trust you.

And tears and angry words may come and that's good too as it gets it all out from both of you once and for all.

That the suspicion, paranoia and mistrust have dragged on long enough already and you (H) have to realize that at some point very soon you can either feel sorry for yourself and drag your bitterness out for the rest of your life and ruin/break our family apart as an result or you can start getting off your a$$ and out of your funk, get over it already, start to show love for your W and join the rest of the living world with an positive outlook on life. Life's hard enough for us to have to constantly deal with the problems and pain from a past that you can't seem to let go...we have to be there for each other and our kids so we can prepare ourselves for all of life's problems yet to come....

Anyway, my 2 dollars ("I want my 2 dollars!" movie reference)

-Stigmata-