I am in basic agreement with everyone on this groveling to show remorse issue. Heather has spent two years in confinement, which is long enough, her H needs to move forward, she needs to asset herself, and all the other advice given here. Reading the books, listening to counselors, watching this board, there comes into focus an understanding of the roles and behavior to which we and our spouses should strive - what are healthy boundaries and the like. All fine and good.
The problem I have experienced is that moving from a very damaged, warring, dysfunctional state to this optimal model of differentiation is not easy. Once I understood what to do, implementation was, and still is, the biggest hurdle. Heather is clearly stuck. Her H is angry and looking for vengeance. She is growing, he is not. I don’t think there is much hope in her sticking to firm boundaries, forcing him to confront himself and grow up, if he does not feel he is getting something back in return.
In my counseling sessions, we could never move forward if one had to do something alone. We had to feel each was making an equal sacrifice, or getting an equal reward or the power balance would upset. So what will be the inducement for Heather’s H? Stig’s idea of showing her deep remorse seemed to fit the bill, at least to me.
After all the discussion on this board, what we implement has to be practical. The theoretical advice needs to be twisted to fit the real life situation, or the effort will fall flat on its face. If both partners are healthy enough to understand and endure the “medicine” given, then an approach closer to the theoretical will work. But with such heavily damaged people, where raw emotion still overpowers logic, I think the appeal needs to be made on that raw level. This is just what I’ve experienced.
