This is more of Schnarch’s line of thinking. While I do think Schnarch’s principles (and I still have not read the entire book, still working on it) have a lot of usefulness, I don’t buy into them the way that you do. I don’t believe that all of one’s happiness, in a healthy person, comes from themselves. Like someone else pointed out, Chrome I think, we are social creatures. While it is beneficial to understand the concept of self soothing, I think Schnarch takes his theory of self validated intimacy a little too far. I wouldn’t be happy in a R where I could only count on self-validated intimacy. I happen to like Dr. Phil’s reference to one’s partner as being their ‘soft place to fall’. But that’s just me. And of course I understand that there are times when that cannot be, so in those instances Schnarch’s perspective is handy. But only to be used as an interim, not as a way of life in a R.
Heather, I don't think Schnarch ever says that all of one's happiness must come from within. On the contrary, he identifies 'mutuality' as the end goal rather than 'enmeshment.' I don't know how far you are in the book, but it may become clearer as you read further. I know that I keep re-reading sections of his book, more layers of meaning become clearer, so keep at it.
Here is a quote from Pg. 109 of PM. The highlighted words are his. It took me more than one reading to pick up on this subtlety.
Quote: Other-validated intimacy occurs spontaneously in long-term intimate relationships between highly differentiated people. The difference is, differentiated partners are not dependent on it. Other-validated intimacy is nice when you can get it, particularly when you don't need it - and, paradoxically, that's when you're more likely to get it!
When therapists prescribe other-validated intimacy for poorly differentited people, they are confusing the destination with the process of how you get there. It's easy to think a little reciprocal support might get "communication" rolling when your relationship is the pits, but unfortunately, it's not that simple. Other-validated intimacy can artifically improve your functioning and make you feel better when it works, but it has many long-term drawbacks.
I hope this is helpful to you, Heather. I know that despite being a great Schnarch fan, I periodically fail in self-soothing (as evidenced by my recent rantings on my last thread), so it takes a lot of work and practice. Schnarch himself says that merely understanding the meaning of differentiation doesn't make one more differentiated.
