Am I Creating a SSM Part II

[heatherg]

A way of my saying, perhaps that I differ from you in that I do not see H as an true "married single" but rather quite the opposite, an H who is incredibly needy and fused with Heather and vice versa...with near zero differentiation.

Stig, I tend to agree with you on this. You say later that H's 'married single' characteristics are just a facade. Again, I think you're right on.

I feel taking an strong assertive stance with H as various OP have posed will only convince H even more Heather is trying to control him....Likewise, I feel an complete GAL detachment while still living under the same roof is only going to aggravate his paranoia.

Either of these statements or both of the these statements or neither of these statements could be true. I think part of what has been driving me crazy is trying to 'figure out' what H wants from me because he is not in a position to tell me himself. The problem with that is that I can never *know*. I think I'm moving more in the direction of figuring out what *I* think is right and acting accordingly without trying to predict H's reactions or lack thereof. I think I'm ready to admit that I am in fact trying to control this R and I need to stop. What do you think about that?

I think he really loves you, Heather, but still wants to punish you for herting him so deeply. But he doesn't want to lose you or the kids over it. He's not willing to go that far to see your contrition.

See, I think if I were to leave, he wouldn't see it as something he could have prevented. In which case, there is no reason to alter his behavior in any way because I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. He tells himself that I have all the 'power' and that he just sits around waiting for the other shoe to drop where I come and tell him I'm moving out. He half expects it but doesn't see that he can or should do anything to prevent that from happening.

I believe you said yourself in an earlier thread, Heather, that he's waiting for you to show remorse and, thus far, hasn't seen it yet.

This is where I get tripped up. Because I feel like I want to give him what he needs, but I'm not exactly sure what he wants to see. I feel like my *actions* have shown that I am sorry and want to rebuild trust. I've stayed very close to home, made sure to call when/if I'll be late and I always make an effort to call from work as opposed to my cell. I've been in C since the very beginning and I've been the one pushing the MC and reading the books, etc. Why would I be pushing so hard to put the M back together if I was seeing someone else?!
So, then, I feel like he must want to see raw emotion from me. And I struggle with this because I think the time has past for that to occur. I don't know if it means anything significant that I struggle with the idea of being able to produce an emotional reaction at this point....maybe I should still be able to react emotionally when we discuss it, but I can't. All that has transpired these last two years have put those emotions and feelings to bed, probably forever. Does that make sense?

Both ways will only show H that you are arrogant enough to think you can just get away with your betrayal and do your own thing (hard core GAL detachment as in the first example) or behaving in your own way aggressively by calling the shots and telling him what to do and what you demand from him (asserting yourself in the second example) .

This sounds just about right, feelings that H has expressed in one way or another about my actions.

Personally I think totally reining in your angry responses should be your primary focus. H knows quite well how to push your buttons it seems. You have to use your martial arts mental training and be cognizant of this baiting tactic and use the force of it against H via deflection away from you while keeping an peaceful and positive demeanor. Reacting negatively will only feed him.


Totally agreed. No matter what I else I may choose to do or not do, this is at the top of my priority list and it applies regardless of which route I may take.

It's possible to be firm with H without losing your temper.

Yeah, I'm just learning this a little later in life than most people perhaps I'm really working on it.

IMO he needs to go out by himself with friends. He needs to exercise and eat right if he isn't doing so. He needs to do things to get his mind off of his resentment or it will drive him crazy like cabin fever.


GAL for H is really a great idea and LFL felt pretty strongly about it too. I will see what I can do in the way of support and suggestions to H.

Finally, Heather, let me just say this. I don't see you as an F who would collapse to the floor in tears and beg H for forgiveness and pleadings of sorrow after he discovered your A. If my thinking is right on this I think if you had done such with an display of total vulnerability at the figurative feet of your H back then his current attitude would be much different and he would have been satisfied that was the remorseful behavioral display he still seeks from you today.

So, Stig, now that I've clarified that this *did* in fact happen, pretty close to the way you've written above actually, do you have any new insight as to what remorse he may want from me?