Am I Creating a SSM Part II

[heatherg]

Cobra: : Emotions are soooooo flighty and shift with the wind. One wrong word from our partner and we can suddenly throw up our defenses. The right word can bring them down, and this can be within hours or days of swearing of the other person for the rest of our lives.

There is a lot of truth in this statement, especially for me. I am emotional and I let my emotions carry me away to not so good places. Just recognizing that this happens, helps me a great deal in the heat of the moment, consciously reminding myself of this helps keep my reactions in check.

Piglet2:
Hey Sheila!!! I was happy to see you pop up in my thread, it’s been a while!!

If your H merely wants to keep the M for the kids sake and not work on it and be a good H to you.. then he is basically saying he wants to be roommates, isnt he?.... Why not give him what he expects? Why not just be his roomie for awhile and let him see how that'd work.


This is sort of like Phase3’s suggestion that I become a ‘married single’ for a little while and measure the effects it has on H. This plan is definitely in the back of my mind. I think it’s a great last resort. I also love your suggestion about telling him that I’m willing to do things ‘his way’ and if he changes his mind to let me know. There will be more on this in a future thread, I can just about promise that.

I so hope you are doing well, I know how much you’ve been through and I’m pulling for you!!

Cobra: It is tempting to find fault with our spouse, for there is no shortage problems. I think everyone here, including those who have had some success, can make a complaint list several pages long. Our spouses can do the same about us. This is no secret.

I know. That brings great frustration to me sometimes. You’d think it would bring me a little peace of mind, knowing that others are in similar situations, but it doesn’t. Not at all. It’s frustrating to think that if I left this M, I could end up with similar problems in another M. At least I know what my H’s issues are

Cobra: But the right way of digging in your heels can help both partners grow, though it may seem like things are getting worse. The difference between that kind of tension and pure escalation can be hard to distinguish. But there is a very important difference. That is what Lil, LFL, Stig and I have been trying to tell you. Escalation is focused on the other person. Differentiation and proper boundaries are based on you. Keeping reading Schnarch and you will see more and more of what I mean.

This makes sense.

Cobra: Don’t you see that the key is not to expect him to EVER address your needs. You fulfill your own needs.

Like I said before, I can’t quite buy into the full extent of this idea.

Cobra: Even if your relationship were great, why wouldn’t you try to live your life in a way you want.

Because I’ve tried not to ‘rock the boat’. I know how things will affect H and because of that, I’ve not gone out with friends, in any capacity, since the A was revealed. I know that the reluctance not to ‘rock the boat’ is my problem. That is why I need to snap out of it and do the things I want to do and stop worrying about H’s reaction. That sort of flies in the face of showing remorse. It seems like a no win.

Heather, just what is a “real” answer? Who determines this and in the end, why does it matter?

Cobra, a real answer is one that actually responds to the question asked. Period, the end.