Am I Creating a SSM Part II

[haphazard]

Do I detect a little alpha male stuff going on here?

Never mind

A couple of things I feel moved to say.

I really don’t buy into the idea of the grovelling emotional remorse thing doing the trick over straightforward sincere apology. Couple of reasons
1) Some (many) people can read this as Oscar-winning stuff that is done to let the person off the hook as soon as possible as the other can surely see that they are TRULY remorseful.
2) This kind of self-flagellation is really quite narcissistic. What it is saying is “oh my God – I behaved in a terrible way, how truly dreadful, how can that be, how can such a wonderful person as myself have possibly done this dreadful thing. In other words “I” (my ego) thought I was better than that and my ego is insisting I put on this display of remorse so that I can rehabilitate myself in your eyes.

In another post to Heather I talked about forgiveness and why Heather’s H cannot possibly move forward until he can learn to forgive her. I still hold this to be true and it is related to the remorse thing – she cannot possibly (it is not in her power to) show enough remorse to her H. It is in his power to forgive her.

So what can Heather do? She can forgive him. She can forgive him every minute of every day, for the things he did way back when which eventually led her to seek solace outside the M, for the things he has been doing since the A, for the things he did when she tried to get back in bed, for the shirt thing, for everything. Every single time she feels hurt by his words or actions (either by recalling past ones, or something in the present) she should just say to herself “I forgive you”. It is very powerful. She also needs to forgive herself. Every time she feels wrong or guilty or bad she needs to forgive herself. One of the main reasons their M appears to be stuck is Heather’s acceptance that she deserves some of this.

Fran