Phase3, I've been trying to figure out why you're on such a hair trigger about this dialogue with heather, and I think a few minutes ago, a light bulb came on over my head.
Is this your position: Heather is like a person with cancer who's been to the big cancer hospitals, and has tried everything, and to you we seem to be the makeshift clinic in Mexico run by ex-hippies who claim to have The Cure, and if you just suck on cactus thorns while chanting "om" and standing on your left foot under a full moon, the disease will be completely cured?
Are you afraid she'll use the suggestions (and truly that's all they are) we're making will keep her in this soul-crushing marriage one minute longer than necessary?
Here's where the analogy breaks down... are you thinking that Heather has done enough and has suffered enough and NOTHING is going to get through her H's thick, self-pitying skull and she should just bail? (I'm inclined to think that myself, but she doesn't seem to be quite ready.)
And when I said the important thing is "what works," I DON'T mean by "working" -- to necessarily save the marriage. To me a thing that works is a thing that brings her peace of mind, makes her feel like she made a good decision, moves her one step closer to being her own person who can stay in the marriage or leave the marriage, but in either case, do what she wants to do for her own good and the good of all parties involved (insofar as she has any control over others' welfare, and that is questionable, as true control can only be exercised over ourselves).
I don't think her husband's motivations matter as much as you do. Cobra and stig were speculating on his motives for her benefit, but the only thing that matters to me when we're talking to heather is how heather is, what she wants, what she feels, what she will and won't put up with, what will help her make the best decision for her. We DON'T know what's going on in his head and as long as he hides behind statements like "I don't know whether I love you," what is going on inside his head does not belong on the table (yuck-- there's a picture).
So... the hippie clinic does not promise a cure for cancer or a bitter husband who has decided to punish his wife forever, but it does offer* a cure for an indecisive woman who wants to feel good about whatever decision she makes. We don't want her to keep barking up this unresponsive tree. That's why we keep telling her not to engage in these defensive battles.
__________________ *Her-- and your-- mileage may vary.
