Quote: But Lillie: this is where I get tripped up. When she's motioning me to join her in the wresting pit, and I refuse, then I get accused of not communicating, or withdrawing, or not wanting to resolve things.
What then?
Ah, Grasshopper, you have learned so much... and yet you have much to learn.
These accusations are a continuation of the invitation to jump into the pit. You must continue to resist, no matter what she says.
Remember the scene at the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark," when they were getting ready to open the ark and Harrison Ford was tied to that post, and when the ark opened, he felt all the forces of heaven and hell pulling him toward the vortex? Well, that's YOU when Mrs. HD invites you to jump into the pit.
And then when you resist, she pulls out the big guns and accuses you of the three main things that you are NOT, i.e., a bad communicator, a man who wants to withdraw, and a man who does not want to resolve problems.
And yet the vortex exerts a magnetic pull on you: How can you possibly let those accusations go unanswered??? How can you let her think that about you??? How indeed can a lawyer resist the gauntlet that has been cast down by another lawyer that he's married to?
You must handcuff your mouth shut (so to speak) and throw away the key. You must rise above the chessboard and watch her shaking her fist at the non-communicative, withdrawn man who doesn't give a sh!t crouched on the board and know that that man is not YOU! I don't know who she's talking to, but it isn't the hairdog we know.
I heard something really beautful on Fresh Air this morning. Terry was interviewing a man who's a therapist and a quadriplegic. The interview is worth looking up on the web and listening to. He said one time a client said to him, "I feel like I'm a many-faceted prism, but my family and friends only want to see one facet of me. I want someone who wants to see and know all of my facets." Those accusations are nothing you need to answer. They aren't you.
Don't forget: our task here is to let the other person get in the crucible and turn the heat up all by themselves. That's why you have to leave her in the pit/crucible by herself. Don't rescue her.
