I can certainly understand your perspective and why it seems that actions by one person will rarely change another. But that statement is true of neither person understands how differentiation can shift the balance. If one person keeps engaging in the same dance, then of course, nothing will change. All attempts are just variations of the same power struggle. And that is what I think Heather and her H have done and why it seems nothing will work.
I also agree that no one owes anyone anything. She must go through counseling because she understands that value to her and her kids. Not because of some obligation. Phase3, if you personally know Heather, then reading Schnarch could be one of the best ways to help her, as well as advance your understanding about human psychology in general.
