Stig, your posts are always so long. But usually have lots of good stuff in 'em. I just wanted to be point out that we need to distinguish between "love" and "codependence". You sort of looked to several different points to "prove" that her H really loves her but most of those points simply supported their continued codependence/undifferentiation than "love". So I guess you could argue what really is love. Nothing her H has displayed looks like love to me. I'm not saying he is doing it purposefully to hurt her, but let's not fool ourselves into thinking he is showing love to her. I also think you were way off on this comment: I don't see you as an F who would collapse to the floor in tears and beg H for forgiveness and pleadings of sorrow after he discovered your A. If my thinking is right on this I think if you had done such with an display of total vulnerability at the figurative feet of your H back then his current attitude would be much different and he would have been satisfied that was the remorseful behavioral display he still seeks from you today. Are you saying her groveling for forgiveness would help this mess? I think that just perpetuates their codependent power-play interactions. It's like saying a man who beats the crap out of his W and then begs for forgiveness, must really love her. Or even worse, the fact that they stay together in that R proves they really love each other. Hope I'm not coming off too harsh. I just find the word "love" thrown around so easily that I wonder if we will justify any and all behavior on a S part, because they are M and must therefore be showing love for each other. Not all R/M are really built on love. And beyond love, lots of R/M are not even built on respect. The level of codependence in Heather's M is obvious. I think BOTH of them need to GAL. You sort of told her that detachment would just create more "paranoia" in her H so she shouldn't do that. I feel an complete GAL detachment while still living under the same roof is only going to aggravate his paranoia. Don't you think this is also playing into their codependency. His "paranoia" is not her issue. She cannot be responsible for his feelings, right? And vice versa. Cobra made a great point that she should be living her life the way she wants whether she is M or not. And I don't mean a mariied single, I mean that she should be an independent person FIRST and then bring that healthy independence into the M. Her H should do the same. They clearly have a long way to go to even starting that journey. Maybe you could bring that up in MC Heather. Plan a GAL stategy for both you and H.
