Another amazing work of insight! You have describe Heather’s H exactly as I see him, far better that I could have, as a very hurt and scared child, desperately trying to get back the oneness he once knew with his soulmate. This was me years ago, when in college I dated/lived with a girl for 5 years (which at that time was an eternity). When I went to grad school at Tx A&M, she stayed behind at UT. I felt unsure if she was the right one to marry but knew I had to decide soon. I was testing her and she failed, had an affair, starting sleeping with someone else. I was absolutely destroyed. She was my whole life.
Everything that was me was wrapped up in her, and I only had myself to blame. What I wanted/needed ore than anything else at that time was to hear her complete remorse, sorry, I want to see her suffer for the betrayal and the pain she caused me. My whole future had vanished. (It was very much like Blackfoot’s situation. BTW, Blackfoot, where the H are you!!) But I was too angry to let her back in, and too dysfunctional within myself to know what I had done to create this mess, how I did not give her what she needed. So I focused my anger on her. The only way I think she could have done enough to help me get over the affair was for her to completely obsess over me to smother out my abandonment fears to the point of my finally having to come up for air. I think then I would have felt secure with her again.
I now know how unrealistic that would be in practice, but that is how I felt at the time. I also think that is how Heather’s H feels, which is just what you describe Stig. I think I mentioned somewhere that these types of extremely fused situations need to get back to a point of stability sufficient to just allow daily life to move forward and the growth process to slowly begin. So I think H and her husband should re-enmesh, as unhealthy as that may be. Stig, you are right in that Heather should profusely apologize, make him see her breakdown, rolling in tears, maybe even throw in some good theatrics. It is all illusion anyway.
The one thing I have not thought about is that HE should get a life. That will help him feel fulfilled, he will sense some “justice” knowing she is tied to the house watching the kids and waiting for his return. (Some of the insights from schlessinger may be helpful here too.) That will help him heal and get over his anger. I think that is an excellent idea Stig. (I am also glad you too saw the danger in Phase3’s recommendations!)
Heather, I hope you understand that what we propose is not the DIRECT route to a healthy relationship, but a detour back to dysfunction in order to slowly move toward differentiation at a pace you both can tolerate. Things may be moving too fast right now. You might also want to look into some books or websites on narcissism, as I am now getting the feeling your H has a healthy does of this that keeps him wrapped up in his shell. In fact, you might look into some of these behaviors in case some of them apply to you, which would not be uncommon for a couple with as much limited emotional growth as you two have had. Extra awareness certainly won’t hurt.
