I think you are basically saying the same things we on this board are saying to Heather, but I do not have the feeling you have a good grasp on the concepts we are discussing. The end result is close, but there is a air of fatalism to you comments, which I think could give a very pessimistic impression to Heather. You seem to think there is good chance her H may never change and, essentially cannot be rehabilitated. That is very short-sighted and should only be reserved for the more extreme cases, like those with narcissistic personality disorder or worse.
I do believe Heather has contributed mightily to her problems, and her H is equally guilty. But I see them both more as children fighting over power, trying to put their needs ahead of the other and neither one having a clue how they are making things worse. But this has no bearing on whether the relationship can be fixed. In fact, I find Heather to be quite open-minded in analyzing herself. Making the changes will take time, but assuming they are both pigeon holed as married singles seems to simplistic to me.
I will say that I have seen exactly that type of thinking on the other boards, especially the MLC board, and therefore find their advice worthless. Your statement:
Even if you molded yourself into exactly what he wants, that might not be what he wants. He may never be happy or satisfied. A truly successful relationship takes two people participating. End of story.
is true to the extent that a relationship takes two people to work, but not for the reasons you assume. Neither he nor she can be happy because of how the other remakes him/herself. They become happy because their internal sense of self, their confidence, security allows them to be happy by themselves only. The addition of a spouse is not a prerequisite for happiness, it is only an additional facet. As long as Heather focuses on the marriage as her source of happiness, that happiness will elude her. Her happiness can only come from within her. From your comments I am not sure you understand this either.
