Am I Creating a SSM Part II

[heatherg]

I think you should definitely GAL.

I think so too I do karate twice a week and my kids are small. So more than that, is walking the line between selfishness and family values. BUT....I was thinking of a movie in the evenings every now and then after the kids go to bed. I'm probably going to go to dinner with a friend this week. How much do other working mothers do for 'alone time'? I want to make sure I don't end up being unfair to H or to my kids.

But I will say it certainly IS a cycle perpetuated by you. Again, people treat you the way you let them treat you.

I was pretty damn tempted to go stay the night with a friend when H refused to have a conversation with me the other night. I was thinking that maybe a couple weeks on the couch at a friend's house might bring some perspective for both of us. What would you have done?

What I don't understand is how you some how established that this pattern was ok in the first place. And you are telling him it is ok, don't you see that? He knows you will back down. That is how he keeps control.


Well, it started because I was 17. I had never met anyone like him in my life and I thought that because he cared about what I wore, he loved me. I didn't know any better! And it took me a long, long time to figure it out. And then....then to actually do something about it. It was an uphill battle for sure, but I made it. Sort of. I am stuck at this point and I sincerely need help, because, no, I CANNOT see how I tell him it's ok to treat me this way. I am so confused as to how to be a responsible adult while also battling H with this stuff. It seems so childish. I want my M to work, but I am stuck. I can't figure it out, maybe I can't see the forest because of the trees, maybe my pride is in the way, mabye my fear is controlling me....I don't know. But I know I am blind to whatever it is that you guys see. Tell me what to do and I will try consider it. I will.

The dysfunction does not come when you bring it up but it comes in your reaction to him.

I've been told this before and I whole heartedly agree. I've made some progress in this area, believe me. But I'm apparently still not where I need to be. I have stopped calling names, not even jerk is uttered from my mouth. I have tried VERY hard to keep my voice on an even keel, not raising it...I have been pretty succesful. I have tried to keep the conversation focused on the point at hand, not so succesful at this. This is definitely a work in progress

I first said assert yourself more but Cobra has some good ideas about detachment. Either way, at least you are breaking the cycle. You need to stay out of his sh*t.

Both seem to get me nowhere. At best, asserting myself only causes H to focus on my 'attitude' and tell me how it's the 'old me' and how selfish I am. He will blame this attitude for not speaking to me or treating me with any respect. It is my fault because of my attitude. At worst, asserting myself causes a serious power struggle, where as HP noted in my other thread, someone has to be the adult. Someone HAS to back down eventually. Um, that would be me.
Detachment seems to also give H what he wants because he doesn't *want* to deal with this stuff. Detachment would be a great permanent way of life for H. Oh, as long as I was within earshot I mean.

Look, I'm not saying I would do any better but I think you need to gain some more insight into what role you play in this mess.

I agree. I'm trying. As I see it, I need H to give me some clue....I mean, trying to figure it out myself is getting me nowhere. MC is really the only thing that can help me here I think because it is the only place where H will really talk. Even there, he may say more than I ever thought he would, but still, most of it is BS that she has to wade through. But whatever I can get from that is all I get, so I'll take it. Maybe I can steer the C session this week toward why H refuses to converse with me about issues outside of MC.

He needs to show more effort to working on that M if you ask me. You can't do it alone. You are absolutely right that you deserve to have your needs met just as much as his. Right now, it sounds like none of your needs are being met AND he doesn't seem to care. hmmm...

Girl, you and I are so in agreement!

I guess I would ask why does HE want this M to continue?

For the kids. He says D would turn their lives upside down. Can't say I disagree, but since we're here, we might as well make the most of it. Apparently, that's where him and I see things differently.

Does he love you and how does he show that love?

He says he doesn't know if he loves me. How does he show that love? Hmm. I wouldn't say I feel loved. If he doesn't even know if he loves me, he probably couldn't give me an answer on how he shows love. I feel cared about sometimes, like when I had the flu a month or so ago and he was good to me. That's about the highlight of how loved I feel.

Does he want to change anything about the current R (other than you nagging him, acting crazy etc)?

He won't say. Only that he wants to 'take one day at a time'.

Does he really think things are fine the way they are?

Yes. He has stated in MC that he is not so terribly unhappy with the way things are.

Why does he have such low standards for his own M?

He didn't used to, but then I cheated on him. Now, all bets are off and he is choosing the lesser of two evils for the benefit of his kids. Or so he says.

And better yet, what are your standards?


My standards are much higher than this. We should be sleeping in the same bed. I am wearing my rings and we are still together two years, post A....he should be wearing his ring as well. We should be able to talk about issues in our M. We obviously can't resolve every issue we have, but we should be able to *discuss* every issue we have. If he is so interested in porn, seeing other women naked, you'd think he'd be at least slightly interested in getting some alone time with ME, away from the kids. My standards are not to be treated like a princess, but to be treated like I matter, like I am an important and valued person in his life. I expect to be talked to as such.

I have found some peace, calmed down a little. H seems to have stopped ignoring me. Have no idea the rhyme or reason to that, but whatever. I guess he decided four days was enough. Lucky me. Night all.