Hi Heather I can tell you are frustrated, not that I blame you. Sorry things are so stressful for you. Maybe I just need to live my life the way I want. Start GAL, making plans to see movies with friends after the kids are asleep on the weekends, etc. That will cause HUGE problems in our R Why is this going to be such a problem? I think you should definitely GAL. If I would just shut up and do what he says and act like a good little girl, we wouldn't have these problems, right? I don't feel like this cycle is a dysfunction that is perpetuated by me. I don't think Cobra is saying to just shut up and deal with it. But I will say it certainly IS a cycle perpetuated by you. Again, people treat you the way you let them treat you. Look, I understand your frustration, I'm one stubborn chickie and like answers as much as the next person. What I don't understand is how you some how established that this pattern was ok in the first place. And you are telling him it is ok, don't you see that? He knows you will back down. That is how he keeps control. I'm torn on the differing perspectives on how you should handle this. I first said assert yourself more but Cobra has some good ideas about detachment. Either way, at least you are breaking the cycle. You need to stay out of his sh*t. can't have problems because H won't address them. Is that really my dysfunction for bringing it up? Isn't that what a responsible parnter is supposed to do, not expect the other person to read their mind? The dysfunction does not come when you bring it up but it comes in your reaction to him. Your H frustrates me to no end and I don't even know him! That's some of my own transference going on there I guess. But I do think you have let him get away with these bs responses your whole M so he is just acting out the same responses the two of you have established as Your M. And then, you get frustrated to no end and go off and have an A or whatever. Look, I'm not saying I would do any better but I think you need to gain some more insight into what role you play in this mess. When you see that, you will be able to respond more effectively to him and/or realize you are not going to put up with that kind of M any longer and get out. He needs to show more effort to working on that M if you ask me. You can't do it alone. You are absolutely right that you deserve to have your needs met just as much as his. Right now, it sounds like none of your needs are being met AND he doesn't seem to care. hmmm... I guess I would ask why does HE want this M to continue? Does he love you and how does he show that love? Does he want to change anything about the current R (other than you nagging him, acting crazy etc)? Does he really think things are fine the way they are? yikes. Why does he have such low standards for his own M? And better yet, what are your standards?
