Am I Creating a SSM Part II

[heatherg]

Remember I told you that you two are extremely enmeshed?

After reading some of Schnarch and what enmeshment is, I agree. Something Schnarch wrote in PM really grabbed my attention:
"In an emotionally fused R, when one partner starts to hold onto him~ or herself, the other partner feels controlled!"
That seems to perfectly describe what goes on in my M with H. Anytime I try to stand up for myself or assert myself in the R, he gets defensive, tells me I'm being 'threatening' or 'selfish' or 'want everything my way' etc. Really, I get very little my way, but every time I try, he does in fact feel like I'm trying to control him.

You don’t want to hear what he says. You want him to reflect back to you what you want to hear, because that is what you need in order to self sooth.


I disagree. I *do* want to hear what he has to say, as long as it's not a BS front not to have to address issues. That is usually all I get from him. Arguments about why things I say are stupid, crazy or wrong. I get very little, if any, original thought from him. I can tell the difference between the rare occassions that he actually lets out a feeling and a BS argument. I can tell immediately when I hear a genuine comment from him, there is a huge difference. First of all, it makes sense. Even if I disagree or feel differently, at least what he says makes sense. I am a smart person and I can tell the difference between a debate meant only to steer me into the woods (thus far from the issue at hand) and self disclosure.

Stop the pursuit and you will push him out of his comfort zone. But don’t expect him to react right away. Giving him some space will feel good at first. He needs some time to realize that the pursuit has ended. I really think the book “Love Addiction” is quite relevant to your relationship.

I have stopped pursuing for weeks at a time before. Things were very cold though. I have difficulty keeping my distance yet maintaining a warm temperature toward him.
So, ok, let's say I stop pursuing and also achieve a pleasant tone toward him. Eventually, he crawls out of his cave and starts talking to me again. Cobra, can you tell me when *I* start to matter? What about my issue in the first place, the idea that I feel I deserve an answer when I ask a question of him? When are my issues EVER addressed? From my experience, they don't get addressed. I stop pursuing, I be nice to H, he decides to stop acting like a baby at some point and we go on with life as usual. Sounds like a great deal for him...act however you want, treat your W however you want and things still work out great for ya. Yey, isn't life grand? Why would H ever change in a scenario like this?

If I am correct in this analysis, then I think you need to stop your traditional pursuit behavior. Stop doing the same thing.

I was thinking this morning, wondering if maybe I need to treat this like the LRT. H doesn't like it when I go out, etc. Maybe I just need to live my life the way I want. Start GAL, making plans to see movies with friends after the kids are asleep on the weekends, etc. That will cause HUGE problems in our R, but maybe that's what we need? What do you think of that? It would certainly make him realize he is no longer being pursued and may make him feel the effects of his behavior. When you're not nice, people don't want to be around you. Period.

When he does not give you the answer you want, you push harder to the point that you get mad. If you blow up then you might be able to get a response out of him, you might force him to answer your questions, but you still won’t like what he says. So you go cool off and start the cycle again.

Cobra, do you really think H's answers to my questions are genuine 'answers'? Because like I said above, I feel they are just diversions. I don't push for an answer that I want, I just push for a real answer. He could tell me he's never going to forgive me and to get the he!! out and although I wouldn't like it, I wouldn't doubt that was what he was truly feeling at the moment. We can work with that. Right now, his answers are crap and he *isn't* giving me/us anything to build on. So, I cool off and I start the cyle again? OR.....maybe I stop pursuing and we move on in the R until the next thing happens that I would like to address and H acts the same way and it starts over again. If I would just shut up and do what he says and act like a good little girl, we wouldn't have these problems, right? I don't feel like this cycle is a dysfunction that is perpetuated by me. The fact is, R's have problems and issues that need to be discussed. Sometimes both partners realize there is a problem and sometimes the problem is felt by one partner and that partner is responsible for bringing it up to the other parnter. That doesn't happen in my R!! I can't have problems because H won't address them. Is that really my dysfunction for bringing it up? Isn't that what a responsible parnter is supposed to do, not expect the other person to read their mind?

Stop looking to your H to give you comfort and compassion. Even if he does, you are at risk of him pulling it away again. Go inside yourself for support. Rely only on you. He is too self absorbed and focused on his own issues. He does not have the ability to support you right now because he is equally dysfunctional.

I agree with this to a certain extent. But taken to the degree I would have to take it in my M, why the he!! would one bother? At some point, you have to ask "Why am I with you?!"