If he says you are threatening him, he is either lying, or he thinks you are threatening him, simple as that. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with him or that you really are threatening him, but through his filters that is what he hears. Remember I told you that you two are extremely enmeshed? You don’t want to hear what he says. You want him to reflect back to you what you want to hear, because that is what you need in order to self sooth.
He doesn’t want to talk to you because not only does he know what you will say, but it doesn’t really matter. You stated so yourself: He said "It's just gonna be the same thing." The only thing that matters to him is that you keep coming to him and saying something, anything. Let me explain.
Have you read the thread by Fighting4wife? I see a lot of similarities between you and him. You are both pursuing your spouse, trying to salvage a marriage you see slipping through your fingers. You are not terrified of the potential split, the abandonment, the fear of being alone, of losing your sense of security, even your purpose in life. Your anxiety is getting the better of you.
Fighting4wife has made a remarkable turnaround in an extremely short period of time in understanding how his actions have pushed his wife away and made his situation worse. He was denying his inner fears, instead trying to control the relationship and his wife, justifying that he was doing so for her own good, to keep her from suffering. He thought he was being the hero and saving the relationship for her. He was being a martyr, but his was to cover up his own fears. Really he was only trying to protect himself. Whenever he felt the relationship slipping away, he would exert more pressure and control in order to hold on to his W. Eventually she completely detached and resigned herself to divorce.
Now I am not saying Fighting4wife was all to blame. His wife played a role too (50% in my opinion), just as your H is playing a role. You are learning how codependent you are. You H is equally so, only in an inverse way. He is doing all he can to avoid the relationship and any deep emotions. It is a very passive-aggressive behavior, but it is his way of trying to control you and keep you pursuing him. The more he knows you are desperate to hold the marriage together, the more comfortable and secure he is. While he is the avoider, his security comes from your pursuit. Stop the pursuit and you will push him out of his comfort zone. But don’t expect him to react right away. Giving him some space will feel good at first. He needs some time to realize that the pursuit has ended. I really think the book “Love Addiction” is quite relevant to your relationship.
If I am correct in this analysis, then I think you need to stop your traditional pursuit behavior. Stop doing the same thing. When he does not give you the answer you want, you push harder to the point that you get mad. If you blow up then you might be able to get a response out of him, you might force him to answer your questions, but you still won’t like what he says. So you go cool off and start the cycle again.
He is angry with you, for good reason. He is reacting as a child. He’s got loads of work to do and some of the hardest realizations may be on his end. The quiet, proper, controlled spouse often has their issues buried the deepest. I had to face much of this myself. It wasn’t easy. The male ego is a tough barrier. Like Schnarch say, it is easier to fight someone else than to fight yourself.
You have come to realize how much your actions are controlled by fear and a need for affirmation. This emptiness within you, which comes from your FOO, is what creates the anxiety. It is the hardest to control. Fighting4wife is struggling with it and I still do too. Stop looking to your H to give you comfort and compassion. Even if he does, you are at risk of him pulling it away again. Go inside yourself for support. Rely only on you. He is too self absorbed and focused on his own issues. He does not have the ability to support you right now because he is equally dysfunctional.
Also, don’t expect anything profound at the counseling session. If it happens, then great, if not, just keep the focus on you. Don’t come to depend on counseling to support you any more that expecting your H to. Again, you must sooth and support yourself.
