Am I Creating a SSM Part II

[heatherg]

I did say H is not prone to physical violence and overall, he hasn't been. H is more passive aggressive than aggressive, but he has been aggressive enough times that I am fully aware it can happen. He has never, ever hit me.
I've become hesitant to talk about it because I don't want to tell a sob story nor do I want to sound like I'm defending his behavior. I'm sort of on middle ground on the subject afraid to lean too far one way or the other because it's such a sensitive subject.

You seem to be taking a black/white approach to this situation. He didn't beat the crap out of her last time. That doesn't mean the situation wasn't incredibly nasty and not something she wants to dwell on or repeat.

And while H's ugliest moments occurred in the past and he seems less prone to those outbursts now, I don't get the impression from Heather that she's completely confident that an uninvited return to the marital bed wouldn't result in a similar response.

This is very well said and it is exactly how I feel.

No one said he was a horror.

Except me maybe

But he doesn't really seem to feel that he is doing anything wrong. That sense of entitlement/justification is very strong.
Yes, he is going to MC and she says he is making some improvements. That is great. But when she tries to address anything SHE feels is a problem (the marital bed, etc), it's back to square one it seems with him.

Sigh. LFL, you are so right. H doesn't seem to feel that there is anything wrong with the way he acts/treats me. If there is no acknowledgement of needing change, how probable is it that change will ever occur?

I tried to talk to H last night about him ignoring me. I said "The way we're interacting, with you ignoring me and staying down in your room....does that mean that that you're not willing to continue working on the R?" He just looked at me and said "Sure." I just sat there...I said "Sure?" He said "Yeah, sure, I don't even know what you're talking about." I told him I had no idea why he was even ignoring me and he told me it was because I was reverting back to my old self, picking fights and demanding answers and apologies. I said "H, asking a question is neither picking a fight nor demanding an answer." I kept my cool the whole time, which is a real accomplishment for me. He stared at the TV. I asked if there was a better time to talk about this and he said he didn't know. I said ok, well I'll try again tomorrow. He said "It's just gonna be the same thing." I told him that this was not good, our R could not handle this and that if we couldn't work this out then we wouldn't be able to work any problem out. This is our first test since we've been getting along better and we are failing it. I told him I didn't care about the shirt it was about how he was treating me. He kept saying "If you don't care about the shirt, just let it drop." I said I was not willing to continue living like this and he said I was threatening him. I said I wasn't threatening, just stating that I wasn't willing to live like this and he just looked at me and said "Duh, that's a threat." These sentences he blessed me with were in between periods where he ignored me and watched tv, laughing at what was happening on the TV. I would say "Did you just hear what I said?" He would say "No" and keep watching tv. Obviously, after a few minutes, I just said fine and left the room. I was so angry I had to go for a walk, had to get out of the house.
This is exactly what he used to do to me pre A when there was a problem. It's almost like this is his strategy, believing that something can't be real if he won't let it be said or heard. There can't be a problem and he can't be expected to change or address it in any way if he won't even allow the message to be delivered.

So, yes, we are back to square one. Apparently the progress I thought we were making was mostly surface progress. Nothing is really changing on the inside for him.

I've got a lot on my mind, I've really pulled inside myself these last few days. I'm worried about depression...sometimes I feel like this is getting the best of me. I had LASIK surgery Thursday and H has yet to ask me how I feel. After the surgery was over, I fainted and it felt weird to have the doctors be more concerned about me than H. He never lifted a finger, never said a word. Only complained that it took longer than it was supposed to and he needed to get back to work. The next morning I had to take a cab to get my car because he wouldn't get up early enough to take me on his way to work. While I don't want to wallow in self-pity, I know this isn't how someone is supposed to act...I mean I couldn't treat a friend like that much less someone I supposedly shared a deeper connection with.

Something in Schnarch's book struck me. That people say they don't communicate, when really they communicate a lot. Maybe that's a lesson for me. H's lack of communication with me actually tells me quite a bit doesn't it? I think I have just been unable to accept what he's 'telling' me. Maybe I need to start accepting it.

We have a C session on Wednesday. I am really hoping that something profound happens or that she can help shed some light on this somehow. I feel like I've just had enough.