I really hate to say it, GH, but until I made that remark, he kept going on & on - needling me, it seemed. Trust me - I tried everything to change the mood/tone and I finally had enough. I know it was wrong to stoop to his level, but immediately after, he changed his attitude. I think he realized he was being a prize-winning jackass.
Anyway - 'nuff said about that. And now - I'm going to go in a completely different direction. I've been paying more attention to myself (geez, finally?!?? LOL), and wonder WHY am I so wishy-washy? I mean, I really noticed this today. Yesterday, when I went to bed, I was thinking one way. Today - I wake up in a completely different frame of mind. I don't understand. Nothing happened in the night, well SO did call - but it was a pleasant talk - and now this AM I'm like, WTF is wrong with me? I want to do things completely different than yesterday. Specifically speaking - it's Going dark vs. whatever it is I'm doing now. LOL
I mean all the stuff OT has said - accepting scraps; not being in a committed R; yet realizing the things done over the years that I did wrong - they make me want to stay open and changing, and - please nobody whack me for this word, but I can't find a better one - "proving" I can change, he can change, our "R" can change. Does anyone get what I'm trying to say?
Some days I want to cut him off completely - no contact, let it all go, no talking, no sex, give all the space necessary. The next minute, I think of something that perhaps I could do differently, so I change my M.O.. I mean, in our sitch, I think I was the distancer - so wouldn't this be more of the same? So, then I try and be open, do 180's, react differently (or not react at all); I've read so many different sides to keep the sexual intimacy between us -then there's the flip side of cut it off - it'll make him want it more. And I know I should be doing things for myself and not with the focus on him, but then again - isn't that what this is about? Salvaging the R if possible?
How come I confuse myself like this? And how much does my inconsistencies play a part in the duration of this limbo? How come I can't pick a plan and stick to it?
I don't know if these questions are answerable, perhaps I sound like a whacko today. I have patience, compassion, and I *CAN* and *DO* detach from certain things - just not all of them. Those are the one's that get me every time, I guess.
