Quote: In light of all this history, it is very important that you make it clear to him that there is a way back and what it requires. I'd suggest being very direct about this.
How? How do you get someone to take a leap of faith when history has suggested otherwise?
When my bad reactions, my lack of knowldege about what it takes to make R's work - how do I prove myself with all my bad history?
I believe I know the answer. I just need to hear it.
Quote: I'm not sure if you ever said anything to him or not after your last post about him asking what he should do...
I'm not suggesting that you push him about anything or DO anything.
Simply share with him what your boundaries are and your position on the R. It seems to me that you are open to reconcilliation under certain conditions. Tell him so.
I'm still here, GH...lol, thanks for checking up on me!
Last week was a little rough...I was without cable/internet for 2 days...well, could have gotten online via the phone line, but bluck! I'm spoiled, too slow for me! Finally they got it fixed Saturday morning.
Earlier in the week, I reflected on all the years of shoulda, woulda, coulda's for a few days. It left me really down and not sure what to do. I decided maybe I should come back towards the light and figure out just where I push away, when I shouldn't. I've been doing unexpected 180's left and right, and it's really fun, if I can say so!
Thursday night, SO was at the club online, so he emailed me that he was bored...I was soo tired and actually said I was going to go read...laid in bed, then thought about it and got back online and added...unless he wanted to chat because he was bored. Normally - I would have just gone to sleep. We didn't really talk that much & mostly chit-chat, but it was different.
I also knew he had a bar remote here in our town on Saturday. So, I took the bull by the horns and invited him to stay here after he got out of work. His reply "I'll let you know". My 180 - I'll probably get blasted for this, but I thought it was funny and I WAS testing him. I told him that if it was a problem or if he had to get permission from somewhere, I would understand. I then went on to add that I thought it was funny and the term for it was "whipped". He said that wasn't it and that I was being so nice and now I was being sarcastic. I told him I wasn't being sarcastic, that the choice was up to him, but since he had told me he was coming here Sunday, I thought it would save time/money/gas.
Later on that night, this was Friday, as he was headed to work, he called and was pissy with me. I couldn't help it, I just started laughing and asked "Are you still mad at me?" There's no way my typing is doing this justice - the whole thing was just so comical about him being whipped. Anyway, he said yes he was mad at me and I asked why. he said I started with him and that wasn't it at all. I said well what was it, then. He said, I was going to say yes. I said why didn't you? He said "I wanted to see what you would do." So, I tested and he tested me back....or whatever - maybe he did really need to get permission. This whole episode just cracks me up - even 3 days later! I don't even know why...I'm laughing as I'm typing remembering the convo. Boy, he didn't like being called whipped. Ok -blast away. I knew it was wrong, but it sure was fun!
And yes, he stayed here. Came in around 4, I never heard him until he laid down dead atop of me - on purpose, to wake me up. We talked for a bit, then went to sleep. Yes, he was in bed with me. We just slept though.
The next morning, Mothers Day, I knew he wasn't going out of his way for me or getting up or anything. I got up with the kids, had breakfast, blah, blah -let him sleep until after 11. When I woke him, he was a mean grump. Asked Why I woke him up. I got PO'd, but, left the room. Gave him another hour. Went in and woke him up again. After he came to a little, he asked again why I was waking him up. I said I didn't push you to get up with the kids this morning like I could have, I said I got up and made them breakfast and they know you're in here and want to see you. He was still a jerk. When he did get up, we were in the kitchen and a spat started. He said you know I got home at 5 am, I can't function without sleep. I said I KNOW that, that's why I didn't make you get up with the kids like I could have. He kept going on...I said "I apologize, my calendar's wrong. It says it's Mother's Day, but, I guess it's actually Fathers Day?" Yes, my sarcasm got me there.
We ended up, not exactly fighting, but going over things - him working so much; me going back to work; then he said something about the bills. And that they never get paid on time because he doesn't know where they are. I said they're right there, where they always are. You're going to blame ME because you don't remember things? Have the bills sent to your apartment. (Him - No, I don't get my mail there, I get it here) Me: When are you going to stop blaming me for everything wrong in your life. You cannot blame me because you didn't pay the bills. That's an excuse. He said "I know."
What else...he was upset his mom came here Friday night and took me & the girls to dinner - why we always go "without him"..and why she comes here when he's not. He questioned why I was wearing earrings. WTF? I had also been trying to get out Saturday night, but the plans didn't work out. He knew I was trying and started questioning where I go.
Finally I went to the bedroom and said I was going to lay down for a bit. I came out after a while and went to the kitchen for more coffee and he followed me, asking what I was doing...I responded that I was trying to think of what I could do to salvage the rest of the day.
I went back to the bedroom and thought about what I wanted to do. Came out and told him when he was done giving the kids lunch to come see me. When he came in I said, I figured out what I want to do. I said first, I wanted him to, ahem, take care of me, then we were all going to go shopping, then dinner at the restaurant. He said OK. lol I know, gonna get blasted here again. Oh well. I have to remark about afterwards as well, he grabbed me and pulled me to him and held on to me. We NEVER do that. I actually had to disentangle myself from his arm to get up and go to the bathroom. I then kissed his chest, another something that I haven't done in a long time. That was different. Nice..unexpected. Not going to wonder what it meant.
So, the day turned out all right. After the morning rough start, I pulled it together and changed the tempo and it worked out OK.
So that's where I am. I'm trying to gauge myself and what I do and how it comes across as pushing away or not being open or, even - not being nice to him and 180'ing all over the place.
Today he was only here for about an hour. He had a remote and had to work until 5 - got here around 6, only stayed for about an hour as he had a meeting with a wedding client (heard him on the phone, so I know that to be true.) It reminded me that he has to go out of town for this wedding and my bad thoughts must have crept into my face because he asked why I looked mad and what did he do? I said nothing's wrong. He said I've known you for 10 years, NM, I know when you get that look on your face. I laughed and said, well maybe that's where you went wrong. I said, how do you know I didn't stub my toe as I was walking over here (I was bringing the kids popcorn). He looked at me with a look like it never dawned on him that something like that could happen and we both laughed about it.
So - I know I have to work at my facial expressions when I'm thinking bad thoughts.
Quote: So - I know I have to work at my facial expressions when I'm thinking bad thoughts.
...and your sarcasm.
I know that was REALLY hard for me to abandon but I did it, and you need to as well. I think one little sarcastic remark can set you back a long way because it undermines when you ARE trying to be sincere. By that I mean when you let out a sarcastic remark like one of the ones you laid on him this weekend, he then suspects that the REAL truth is that you are resentful and angry instead of happy and moving forward as you SEEM to be the rest of the time. In short, your sarcasm will make it very hard to trust your changes.
I know you know that but just thought I'd remind you.
BTW, I hate you once again for getting "taken care of", lol.
I really hate to say it, GH, but until I made that remark, he kept going on & on - needling me, it seemed. Trust me - I tried everything to change the mood/tone and I finally had enough. I know it was wrong to stoop to his level, but immediately after, he changed his attitude. I think he realized he was being a prize-winning jackass.
Anyway - 'nuff said about that. And now - I'm going to go in a completely different direction. I've been paying more attention to myself (geez, finally?!?? LOL), and wonder WHY am I so wishy-washy? I mean, I really noticed this today. Yesterday, when I went to bed, I was thinking one way. Today - I wake up in a completely different frame of mind. I don't understand. Nothing happened in the night, well SO did call - but it was a pleasant talk - and now this AM I'm like, WTF is wrong with me? I want to do things completely different than yesterday. Specifically speaking - it's Going dark vs. whatever it is I'm doing now. LOL
I mean all the stuff OT has said - accepting scraps; not being in a committed R; yet realizing the things done over the years that I did wrong - they make me want to stay open and changing, and - please nobody whack me for this word, but I can't find a better one - "proving" I can change, he can change, our "R" can change. Does anyone get what I'm trying to say?
Some days I want to cut him off completely - no contact, let it all go, no talking, no sex, give all the space necessary. The next minute, I think of something that perhaps I could do differently, so I change my M.O.. I mean, in our sitch, I think I was the distancer - so wouldn't this be more of the same? So, then I try and be open, do 180's, react differently (or not react at all); I've read so many different sides to keep the sexual intimacy between us -then there's the flip side of cut it off - it'll make him want it more. And I know I should be doing things for myself and not with the focus on him, but then again - isn't that what this is about? Salvaging the R if possible?
How come I confuse myself like this? And how much does my inconsistencies play a part in the duration of this limbo? How come I can't pick a plan and stick to it?
I don't know if these questions are answerable, perhaps I sound like a whacko today. I have patience, compassion, and I *CAN* and *DO* detach from certain things - just not all of them. Those are the one's that get me every time, I guess.
