My Creatively Titled Thread

[NotMarried]

but why do you think he didn't have difficulties getting out of your R? Do you think he just woke up one day and decided that things were not going good and took up with OW? No, this process of him thinking things were not going well took time to develop and then once they did, his idea that he could/should seek something outside the marriage also took time to develop.

Yes, I know this...and I don't mean it in the way that it came across. I know it wasn't an easy thing for him to do. And, no, it wasn't that he woke up one day and said Hey, gonna end it with NM today. I know that. MY reactions to OW#1 probably led to the difference in how OW#2 was dealt with. Meaning, when we started "working" on things after OW#1, I told him that if I found out that he cheated on me without coming to me first, then I would be gone faster than he could say cheat.

And, once again, I "knew" instantly, on the 1st day he saw OW#2 - and confronted him about it. (This is why I am pretty certain this isn't a serial cheat thing. Even now that it's been on my mind, I try and look back and find something - anything that says he's been cheating all along, and can't. With these 2 exceptions.) In all the wrong ways, I can see now. Regardless, about 2-3 weeks of hell followed, with me being Super-bitch and screaming, crying, blah,blah (mixed in with the pressures of our house closing which we didn't even know was going to close until an hour into the actual closing!!!!) - it was really a bad, bad scene.

It was then that he came "clean" with me about OW#2. And honestly, I told him to go if he was that unhappy. But even from the beginning - even THEN - he kept saying that he didn't really want to. That's what has me so confused. Even at the start of his R with OW, he kept telling me it wasn't what he really wanted. But it was me that kept pushing him away.

Oh my, this is all so complicated and depressing. realizing just how much I pushed him away when he was telling me something different. I've just made myself even sadder.

I just can't help reading more about your sitch (you leaving with the kid, him wanting marriage and you squashing the idea) and not feeling that there is a lot of complicated issues driving this thing, not just general unhappiness by SO. There is probably years of resentment, pain, lack of trust and uncertainty that fuel BOTH of your emotions these days.

You said it better than I ever could. That's exactly it. We both RUN from trouble - that's quite clear from our history. And I know it. that's why my behavior to date, even before finding DB was a 180 on my behalf (without ever realizing it.) I said to myself - THIS IS IT. One way or the other (meaning whether we stay together or go our separate ways) this IS getting resolved. Our R is getting resolved. The issues ARE getting resolved. Know what I mean?

I can't accurately describe what I'm trying to say. Kind of like a Last Stand kind of thing. Maybe that's why I have so much trouble with detachment. To me, detachment equals goodbye and farewell. No working on it, no more one last chance, nothing. Over and out. But that's only MY definition. I know there's always the chance of "somewhere on down the road"...

Looking in from the outside, it seems to me that because of a number of circumstances, you two have never really had a stable life together, one that fosters a sense of security and portends a future for a unified family.

Amen to that....the first couple of years of constantly moving was difficult. When we moved here, we mutually decided to try and remain here (he wouldn't take any other job offers anywhere else unless they were way too good to be true) - mostly because of our D needing a stable life. Plus, the added bonus of being close to family. With this decided, things were great for 3-4 years. I mean, we both acknowledge this. We both thought "WE" were finally getting somewhere. Hence buying a house, another child, marriage - we were finally pulling it all together.

Does it make a difference that that is when he turned 30??? And that's when OW#1 came in to the picture? I keep remembering these little things...lol. His B-day is in May - I swear, at about February of that year, he started freaking out about how "old" he was going to be....then right after 30th b-day - like immediately, was OW#1. Then he started finding gray hairs at his temples - this really, really fueled his "old" feelings. He was always talking about it; always saying he doesn't want to get old.

That's why I wonder how much is MLC and how much is WA. I also read on another thread somewhere about an H in MLC who keeps burying himself in more & more work...SO is doing the same thing. He works so much - and keeps taking on more. Like if he just works and sleeps (and he's even said this) that it will all go away. Or at the least - he doesn't have to deal with it. He works; he sleeps; he works; he sleeps...on & on like a robot.

I know it sucks but you CAN pull out of this. You've done it before and each time, you learn a little more about yourself and what you are capable of. Do it again and learn what a strong, wonderful woman you are, and then get back to the business of building on that strength and "wonderfulness".

Thanks GH....It's nice to hear that about one's self, especially since I'm becoming aware of just how detrimental some of my reactions have been.