Maybe it would help to re-read some parts of DBing, especially about the point of going dark and the last resort.
DBing at bottom is about getting unenmeshed and becoming responsible for your own happiness while you give your P space to figure out what he wants.
It doesn't seem to me that you are in a place where you can be loving and supportive in a detached way. Rather, your motives seem to be still driven by fear and neediness. Let go. This doesn't mean shut the door, but let go and quit trying to control the outcome. Get OK with whatever outcome occurs, then maybe you'll really be able to share some kind of healthy R with SO.
This self-disrespecting, self-sacrifice doormat victim kick isn't good for anyone, trust me.
If he wants you as a GF, he can make plans ahead of time and call you and take you on a nice date that ends on the doorstep.
He doesn't need to wake you up in the middle of the night to have contact with you. What is that about? False reassurance for you that he isn't with OW to keep you on the line? A coping mechanism of his to keep him from calling a groupie and having indiscriminate sex instead of going home? A way to numb the pain of the life he has chosen? All these are his problems.
Above ALL, DBing is quitting your efforts at fixing another person's problems and controlling their happiness and general success in life. You aren't SO's parent and you aren't God. If you need someone to mentor and protect from themselves other than your own children, go to the Girls or Boys Club.
I guess I am trying to control the outcome. I'm not happy with the way things are, and I'm ready for whatever the outcome may be. It may not come across that way here, but yes, I am.
So's mother is supposed to be coming over this afternoon. I'm going to talk with her about setting up a schedule for her to watch the kids for me. I'm also gonna to get out for a bit tonight. Will only have an hour or two while she's here, I'll probably just end up running some errands, heading to the greenhouse for some more flowers/plants and to the library! Recommendations anyone?
Haven't posted much, as I haven't been interacting with SO much. I'm really taking a step back and trying to just let things be; doing my own thing. He's noticed. He's said and/or emailed a few cryptic things, nothing major. Constantly asking why I'm being so elusive; sent an email w/ the words "forgiveness is key" (WTH?); yesterday made a remark that he needed to "kiss my as$" more to make me happier; kissed me on the lips one day as he was leaving. I'm not exactly sure what he means, so I stick to things non-"personal"when interacting with him.
This is helping me detach quite a bit more. I feel less stressed. Definitely better than always wondering about things.
It means he is finally getting a chance to miss you, to really think about what he wants, to pursue you so that HE knows it is his free choice and not something done out of guilt, duty, or "being kind."
Great job :-) Keep it up. He's right, he really does need to kiss your butt for his sake and yours.
The hardest part now....the sexual advances...although I've managed to deflect them so far.
Tonight, I practically threw him out of the house...lol...had to, or, well, I don't know if I would have been able to say no again.
Have to crawl before we can walk, right? Even before crawling, have to lay there for a while until you're sure enough you can roll over...we'll see what happens while I'm just laying here!
So, I've been trying to detach and detach and detach some more. On some levels, not being in so much contact with SO has made it a lot easier. Or maybe I should say - *allowing myself to be in contact with SO when I want to be* makes it easier. Then again, he continues to baffle me. However, I am much less concerned with it these days.
He did send an email today that said "he wasn't moving on." And "I have wanted you more in the past few months both sexually and other reasons, but am stuck dammit, you just dont get it". Whatever the hell that means. As usual, everything in life is subject to interpretation, I suppose. I did ask if he could explain what he meant by "stuck", but so far he hasn't.
I've been trying to stay busy...mostly outside, doing things in the yard. Hence my lack of time here .
This weekend the girls are going to his mothers Saturday/Sunday...yeah!! NM's going out! LOL No idea where I'm going or with whom...but, I'm sure I can find something!!
LOL way to go NM, you sound like you are definitely in good place today. I'm very proud that you have taken charge again and have maintained the level of contact with which you are comfortable...obvioulsy it is having its effects as noted by SO's e-mail. Keep up the good work!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Quote: And "I have wanted you more in the past few months both sexually and other reasons, but am stuck dammit, you just dont get it".
Ok, maybe not the sexually part, but my W pretty much is saying the same thing right now. Apparently in my sitch, there are a lot of details (the least of which is probably not that it was a PA) about her A are still being held back. She claims that "it's complicated" and not as easy as I think to just end things. This has been a process I have watched carefully over the past couple months. First, she said she was trying to break things off a couple months ago (around Valentines day) but did not get specific. Then last month, she said that she was trying to break things off but wanted to remain friends with OM. Lately, he has turned into a raging a-hole and she knows shes doesn't really want much to do with him...but yet she still has not broken things off totally.
The point is that by "stuck" I think he means that he wants you AND her but knows that eventually he will be with you. He feels "stuck" because he knows what he wants but also that there are many obstacles, many of them of his own creation, existing only his mind, that stand in his way.
In my sitch, I am not worried. I know that when my W does come back 100%, it will be because she wants to and because she has done what she needed to do in regard to OM. If she needs help with that, I will be glad to help in any way I can.
I just think that they feel like, and my W has said this MANY times lately, this is their mess and they need to clean it up. Of course, often cleaning it up means more contact and at least in the case of my W's OM, more opportunity for persuasion to leave our marriage. In the end, it will all have to stop. She knows that. I know that. You know that, and so does your H.
Have patience. He won't be stuck forever and anyway, the most important thing is that YOU are not stuck NOW!
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