Quote: Oh my. Why are you trying to meet his needs? Is he meeting your needs? Why is this all about him?
Ok - this is where I get confused.
The breakdown of the R was due to lack of certain needs he felt should have been present in our R, right? I thought that as one of the DBing techniques -we we're to figure out what was "missing" or what led to the breakdown of the R/M and try to work on those things. In my sitch - the biggest one (I think) was meeting his emotional needs.
And, NO, of course he's not meeting my needs. This IS all about him - right now, anyway. (Once again - another thing I thought was in DB - re: putting some of our needs on the shelf until such time they can be met in a healthy, mutually committed R/M.)
This is about WHY he left our R. He sought to fill the emotional vacancy he wasn't getting from me. And in order for him to feel more willing to work on things, shouldn't I be trying to fulfill what was lacking from that old R????
Quote: What do YOU need right now?
A break.
Quote: How is this contact good for YOU?
It's not.
Quote: If you want to hang around as one of his multiple girlfriends for awhile in case he picks you, then do it FOR YOU.
I don't. However, once again - I'm confused. RE: When we're aware there is OP. We should act as if they don't exist and work on the things we can.
Quote: Quit trying to manage his emotional health and control what he wants from you. You can't do it. SO is not going to forget you if you go dark. Rather, he is going to have to quit coasting and self-medicating with a group of women that includes you. He obviously cares about you. But, it is up to YOU to decide what it takes for him to keep you on the line. Right now, you are showing him that some simple attention is sufficient even in the face of lies about your children and continued deception including a PA. Why is that good enough for you?
It's not, and I really like the way you put this.
Quote: "I am not willing to be engaged in a romantic relationship with you outside of a monogomous relationship in which their is commitment to work on trust and to see if we have a shared future. To me , sex is for making love, and I am waiting until I know that is what I am doing with my P. I am not willing to be in a friendship with you outside of a friendship in which my need to make informed decisions is respected. This is a very difficult time for me, and I need to spend my emotional resources on friends who are truly returning friendship to me. I am NOT making these choices to hurt you. Finally, this is not about you or what you need or how you will react. I am making them because they are about what I want in my life and need to take care of myself right now. I am sorry if you are sad. I am too. Right now, we are co-parents, and I think we can do a great job at that. But, I need to respect both of us by acknowledging and accepting where you are with this and living my life accordingly. This is going to require that I protect my own space right now."
I REALLY like this. I will probably use it, word for word!!!
I will check the link out that you referenced. Thank you.
I have more - however, I need some clarification about the things I asked (above).
