Oh my. Why are you trying to meet his needs? Is he meeting your needs? Why is this all about him?
What do YOU need right now? How is this contact good for YOU? If you want to hang around as one of his multiple girlfriends for awhile in case he picks you, then do it FOR YOU. If you need to take a break to properly respect yourself, then do it FOR YOU. Quit trying to manage his emotional health and control what he wants from you. You can't do it. SO is not going to forget you if you go dark. Rather, he is going to have to quit coasting and self-medicating with a group of women that includes you. He obviously cares about you. But, it is up to YOU to decide what it takes for him to keep you on the line. Right now, you are showing him that some simple attention is sufficient even in the face of lies about your children and continued deception including a PA. Why is that good enough for you?
I would suggest that you NOT have an R talk in which you shout your ongoing loyalty and commitment to him. A simple statement of your boundary is sufficient:
"I am not willing to be engaged in a romantic relationship with you outside of a monogomous relationship in which their is commitment to work on trust and to see if we have a shared future. To me , sex is for making love, and I am waiting until I know that is what I am doing with my P. I am not willing to be in a friendship with you outside of a friendship in which my need to make informed decisions is respected. This is a very difficult time for me, and I need to spend my emotional resources on friends who are truly returning friendship to me. I am NOT making these choices to hurt you. Finally, this is not about you or what you need or how you will react. I am making them because they are about what I want in my life and need to take care of myself right now. I am sorry if you are sad. I am too. Right now, we are co-parents, and I think we can do a great job at that. But, I need to respect both of us by acknowledging and accepting where you are with this and living my life accordingly. This is going to require that I protect my own space right now."
Also, I posted this link on PL's thread, but you may also want to take a look at the last post. It makes the point well about the problem with continuing to push for and act like an R is there that you P has made crystal clear is unwanted.
To sum up -- your SO has told you pretty directly that he is stringing you along just in case he wants you. His actions match that message. Except for lying about the kids and OW, he has done a pretty good job being honest with you about his lack of commitment and confusion. If this treatment is OK with you, then maintain the status quo. BUT, accept that you are choosing to be one of multiple GFs rather than his SO. He has done his part here. He is not victimizing you by seeing OW, you are choosing to be one of many.
If this is NOT OK with you, then stop doing it.
Figure out what your boundaries are. Stick to them. Share them with him if you must, but do not get into a big R talk about an R that is past or an R that is yet to happen.
Remember, like NM said, you get what you settle for.
You are worth a whole lot more than you are giving yourself. Take good care this week and STOP trying to protect him from the consequences of his own decisions until "he comes to his senses." He is an adult. Treat him as such.
