My Creatively Titled Thread

[NotMarried]

First, let me thank all of you for your posts....this is pretty much the only place I have any support and the thought you all put into your responses means a lot to me.

Am going to try an answer/comment the best I can...a little combined, and a little apart.

Yesterday when all this happened...as well as when I saw him today, I was the frickin' posterchild for calm, cool, collected. There was no yelling, no crying, no blaming, simply stated how I felt. I think it was my DBing's finest hour.

Here's a great thread if you're interested: "Going Dark" 101

Thanks Rb...that will be my next reading for the night. Or maybe I'll just ignore it all and read Harry Potter again!! My mind needs a break.

This is as far out on the speculation/amateur-psyche limb I go...lol.

Thanks for the amateur psycho-analysis! LOL

Anyway, I just want to make sure that, aside from the sarcasm, you truly do realize that your man is confused in a way that is more akin to insanity than merely having a difficult choice to make. I say insanity because unlike just having two things to choose from, each having it's pros and cons, he may feel like at any given moment he only has ONE thing that has most of the pros and that the other is almost ALL cons, then the next moment, he flops. I am NOT giving him sympathy, just trying to give you something akin to a different perspective.

Thanks for the different perspective. I'm starting to think that I may be looking at alternate perspectives too much. I've looked at things in so many different ways, and the fact is that I have no idea where his mind is at - he can't be truthful about his R with OW to me; he can't be honest with OW about his R with me; and he's just screwed up in the head right now.

My only thought I want to add is that you (OT) keep coming back to that idea that we LBS try to be in a relationship that doesn't exist. Well, to be fair to us LBS's here and NM in particular, the WAS tend to get us all twisted around so that through their visible actions and words to us, they get us to BELIEVE we are in the kind of R that ML and other things are possible with. We are led to believe that they are being truthful and honorable about the aspects of the R that are important to us in this respect and so we act on that belief. It's only when these things happen like what happened with the kid(s) and OW that we realize that we've been had. Of course, we're naive to believe in these things to start but I have to think that comes from OUR misguided attempt at being "good" people.

GH - You've described how I feel better than I ever could have. When he point blank tells me "OW will not be there" I believe it. To NOT believe it would keep me in a negative cycle, wouldn't it?

Like I stated earlier, I had been thinking about going dark because of the emotional ties that OT pointed out...he's relying on me for certain things....and because of these emotinal ties, I get lulled into believing things that may not necessarily "be". I mean, I KNOW he's seeing OW, although it appears not as much as before (more on that later - re:things he said to me today); I've never tried to ignore her presence. Yes, I act "as if" she doesn't exist for DBing purposes - but not to give myself false thoughts. She exists, I know it. Their status of their R is what I'm not aware of...I tend to assume they are together until otherwise clarified to me.

When something likes this happens, he goes on about how confused he is. He said some things today regarding his R with OW. His email: "I am truly sorry about not telling you about OW being there when D7 was there, and I mean it, All my kids will ever think is that she, like everyone else is just a friend. I dont like the relationship I have w/ her, and never have. Thats the truth."

I know - I KNOW - don't believe what he says. Actions speak louder than words. This man is truly, deeply confused. He made additional comments, when we were talking very calmly about things and what to do next...States he's played out that R; he does not want the kids to think WE are not together; doesn't want them in OW's life. Added further that he hates having sex with her and that he's addicted to me. Doesn't want to be away from me (yet still not ready to re-commit - WTF dude!!)

I told him that I thought it might be best if we ceased any interactions that were on a personal level from this point forward. That the things we did (i.e., the calls, the sex, the 'little' things) were things that I felt only 2 people in a committed monogamous R should be doing with each other. I told him it wasn't his fault I felt this way, that it was me. That I let myself believe these things were perhaps more meaningful than they really were. At this, he starts freaking out. The old "I'm confused."

I understand he's confused...that makes me confused. I felt we were getting closer...being more forthcoming with each other. Which is why I was continuing with those things...he was seeing me differently....seeing that I was, perhaps, not all the bad things he thought...the things that led to OW. Some of the things he said to me about his R with OW; the closer we were becoming - he's never said these kinds of things to me before. I mean, I'm very well aware that he does not say ILY; doesn't say that he misses me (just not talking with me) nor does he say he wants to work on things. But then, he doesn't want to completely sever all ties with me either.

That leaves me in a tough position. The amount of contact he has with me - when I tell him to knock it off (of course in much nicer terms), it makes him do it more. When I say no more ML - it puts his libido into overdrive.

I don't think I treat him rudely or mislead him in any way when asking him to slow this stuff down. I point blank tell him "don't do it if you don't want a committed R with me as it confuses me". He won't even give himself the chance to miss me. That's what is so frustrating.

I guess I just need to make a decision and stick to it regardless of what he may be thinking these days. OT, you're right. My boundaries. I need to work on them. All I can think of right now, is that I just want him to leave me alone about anything personal. I don't want him calling, emailing, texting things that have double, ambiguous meanings. I mean, if I don't answer the phone at 2 AM - then he leaves the message that he misses talking to me, why won't I talk to him, he likes to hear my voice before he goes to bed. I mean, I think I'm trying to give him space...the he acts like he deosn't want the space. If I act like we're headed toward working on things, then something like this happens. ARRGHH!

I know I missed answering some of the great points everyone made. I've actually printed out the whole thread and am reading it again. I'll probably continue to quote and answer when I can.

Thanks all!

I'm sorry if this post is all over the place....kinda like my life!!