I know RB quoted me saying "well, what has changed." and he is right to quote that in terms of this thing being a reason to quit. I don't believe it is a reason to "give up" in the grand scheme of things, but I sure can understand how hurt and angry you must be.
I will depart a little from RB here though. I think rather than it being impossible to DB when you are as angry as you are, it is not only possible, but imperative that you do so. Now at this point I am talking more about the DBing as expressed by self love and growth, detachment, etc. I don't think it's very realistic to be working on your marriage in that state, but you can use this is a perfect "worse case scenario" and power yourself towards a more centered place.
Now, practically, I think something HAS changed. He has begun to once again, open up about his TRUE feelings of confusion about and care for OW. This hurts like hell, but it's better than him lying and faking a return to you.
Now for the specifics...
Quote: He can call me; sleep with me; hang out, eat dinner and simultaneously carry on the same thing with another woman as well? And this isn't going to screw up the kids? Why not just end it with me then? That's what I don't get. Why all the contact...why all the "everything"?
I know you are just ranting but this is a silly question/statement, one I know you answered immediately after with "Oh - I forgot - he's confused" but really, this is about him figuring things out and being TOTALLY confused. Understand, confused to him does not mean that at all times he has thoughts of both of you, which is what I think you imagine is his state of mind. I think he is confused because one minute/hour/day/week, he is totally convinced that he loves OW with all his heart, that she "understands him" more than anyone, even his W and that he needs to D and make his life with her. Then the next minute/hour/day/week (BTW, this probably corresponds with which woman he is currently with) he thinks "how could I be so stupid", my W is my soul mate, SHE truly understands me more than OW ever could. What am I thinking? I have a family I love, a home I enjoy, a W who is changing before my eyes into this even MORE wonderful woman and all this I will give up if I don't stop this affair. What I am trying to say NM is that I think YOU think he is dealing with each of you while being totally conflicted about the other. I am not so sure that is the case. This is as far out on the speculation/amateur-psyche limb I go...lol. Anyway, I just want to make sure that, aside from the sarcasm, you truly do realize that your man is confused in a way that is more akin to insanity than merely having a difficult choice to make. I say insanity because unlike just having two things to choose from, each having it's pros and cons, he may feel like at any given moment he only has ONE thing that has most of the pros and that the other is almost ALL cons, then the next moment, he flops. I am NOT giving him sympathy, just trying to give you something akin to a different perspective.
Quote: I don't think I could continue taking the late night phone calls, the "emotional ties" that OT pointed out...that would all have to cease, in my eyes. Is that wrong? Right? I've already been thinking about putting an end to all that anyway. I'm just too confused to make any sense of anything.
I think that OT's main purpose, or at least the one I seem to have gotten the most out of (correct my if I am wrong OT) around here is to get us to understand that the choices we make are OUR choices and need to be made because WE think they will benefit US, not because we want to control the outcome of something, or because someone else wants us to make this particular choice. So with that in mind, I think it's entirely appropriate here to draw up some real boundaries. As for enforcing them, well, I struggle there. I often wonder how we are to enforce a law that is put in place by authority some people (H & OW) don't recognize. If he is truly bent on having the kids around OW and doesn't care what it does to his future with you, then I guess that takes things a step farther down the road to him not having a future with you. I think that may be the best thing boundaries could do for you right now; let you know where he thinks he is at and where he wants to be so YOU can make the appropriate decisions about where to go from here, if anywhere, in this relationship.
Beware though, his addiction/insanity is strong and simply telling the crack addict that you'll be angry and leave them if they smoke again is likely not enough to get them to stop even if they really do love you. I think I am somewhat contradicting myself but that's my final sort of advice in all this. You ARE confused, contradicted and unsure because it's really difficult not to be when presented with this set of circumstances. So the best thing you can do it sort out your own head and then take a look at what you have to work with in the rest of this mess.
I wish I had more to tell you about the sitch with OW meeting D. I think that was a really crappy thing to do, but not particularly surprising.
I know you will process this and come to a better place from which to move forward but in the meantime, post, vent, cry, do whatever and we'll support you.
