OOH - Locked out and didn't even know it! That's what happens when I post long-winded rants! Thanks Chrissy & White for stopping by.
Yesterday was such a gorgeous day! About 75 out - spent a lot of the day outside with the kids.
Told SO I was going out, which I did, but not for as long as I made it appear. Didn't answer any of his calls when he did try to get me during the day. I was upset about the things I was thinking about yesterday - didn't want to speak with him until I was ready.
Finally spoke with him around 7 PM...he questioned what I did all day, I was vague - letting the kids tell him what we did during the day. D7 also lost a tooth, I didn't mention anything about it, let her tell him. He emailed last night telling me good night - I was going to respond including something about playing the tooth fairy, decided against it. I knew D7 would tell him this morning - stuff like that is better coming from her, instead of me. I've realized that DB is right on - don't tell them things - let them learn about it on their own. I did a bunch of work in the yard yesterday, I didn't (won't) mention it. He'll notice. Mum's the word these days on what I'm doing with my life....if he wants to ask, he will.
He did call during the night after leaving work, I answered as I haven't in a while. He asked if his call was bothering me - I wondered to myself what I was supposed to answer...I mean it's 1 AM - what does he think I'm doing? Sleeping - so, yes the call disturbs my sleep..as for my frame of mind? Well, WTH? I have no idea why he calls, I don't think he does either. It's not out of necessity; it's not out of habit - he never used to call until these past few months. So, I just avoided answering. Nothing I wanted to get into at that hour & being half asleep.
Sometimes I feel bad when we do all these things and he's so busy working or sleeping. But, I guess that's his choice. He's the one missing out on watching our kids grow up. He's the one missing out on riding the 4-wheelers with them; playing Easter bunny, tooth fairy and everything else. He's missing out on all the special moments that make up their life. I feel bad for him - he'll never get those special times back.
From your post Whitelight - "shallow adoration". Yes, he gets a lot of that. I never was very good at complimenting him - it's taken me lots of practice to get comfortable with it. Now, I can do it without feeling like it's fake on my part. I think it's important to him - WOA...so, I trained myself to do it - because it's important to him. Now, it's not so awkward for me, and it makes him happy. What better reason to do it. I don't make things up - I try to find something, anything, to point out & thank or praise him for. It's what makes him tick and I recognize that. So no matter if I identify with it or not, it's what works for him....I need to purchase a copy of 5 LL's! Keep it handy as a reminder!
On apologizing to him for the past - well, I have no idea how to do that. How to bring it up, or what to even say. I've been thinking about it, and need to think on it some more. I really don't want to screw it up or anything.
I don't have a lot planned for today - just some cleaning. Whoo-hoo! LMAO Maybe shoot to the store and buy some plants/flowers for outside. Unfortunately, it looks like my plans to go out tomorrow night aren't going to happen.
Quote: I never was very good at complimenting him - it's taken me lots of practice to get comfortable with it. Now, I can do it without feeling like it's fake on my part. I think it's important to him - WOA...so, I trained myself to do it - because it's important to him. Now, it's not so awkward for me, and it makes him happy. What better reason to do it.
Why was it so hard? I know you said you took the opposite stance as the "fans" but what about before he had "fans"? Was it just as hard for you to compliment him then?
I ask both because I think answering may help you, AND help me. My W is the same way. She almost NEVER compliments me and I really wish she would (mental note...directly tell her this some day). I am trying to gain insight from you.
Yes, it was hard for me "before". Mostly due to my personality traits. I'm a very shy introvert. I don't identify with the need for compliments. I'm the person that gets stage fright....So, the act of learning to SAY things, to in fact say the compliment - gosh, that was really hard for me. I felt awkward and it was very unnatural to me. But when I saw how it made him feel, well, that was worth it. And of course, the more you do something, the more natural it becomes. It's still difficult for me say things, but I DO IT ANYWAY. Actually have to force myself at times, but it's worth it.
5 LL's is important because I am not good at getting or giving compliments. My LL seems to be QT (Quality Time) and PT (Physical Touch)....so, as they say, we usually do to/for others that which we would like for ourselves.
Well, if we follow the 5LL Credo, that's wrong. We need to find out what our P's LL is. My SO's seems to be AOS (Acts of Service) and WOA (Words of Affirmation). Things that "I" don't know how to identify with because they aren't what I need to feel loved.
For example, I could really care if he takes the garbage out for me. But, to HIM, he's doing what he thinks will earn my love. When I read the book, I quickly figured out that my holding his hand wasn't going to get me anywhere. He needed to HEAR that what he was doing was good and appreciated. So this is something I'm learning in order to make him happy.
Does this help? Your W may not be giving you the compliments YOU need, because that's not what she needs to feel loved and she doesn't know how to identify with doing that. Maybe giving her a copy of 5 LL would be in order?
I think NM has touched upon an imporant thing here...we generally give the LL that we ourselves desire. I guess part of the other problem in my sitch, and maybe GH this applies to your W as well considering how they seem alike, my W was never good at recieving compliments as she suffered from a very low self-esteem and negative self image. Typically if I did give her a compliment, she would use it to point out another shortcoming of herself (e.g., W you're hair looks really nice that way. W: Thank you, but my butt looks big in these jeans or UGH, its a mess!) In turn, she never was very good at doling out the compliments to me. I guess that isn't my LL because I don't think it really ever bothered me so much.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
OK...so how's this for crazy, coincidental, weird...lol
SO called while I was in the shower...his voice sounded strange to me, the message very short "NM, call me when you get this. See ya". Put me on the defensive - he sounded a little PO'd or something.
I called him back, left a VM...he called back again...Asked what I was doing and if I was going to be home...he was in XTown picking up the steel he needs (to finish the work on his pick up) and was going to come over to do the work and wanted to make sure I was going to be here. (To myself: If you're doing work on your truck, what difference does it make if I'm here or not??).
He goes on that he was going to bring me lunch...(cool - I don't have to scrounge anything up!!). Then, he continues that he was in the place buying the steel and (in his words): "I went in there and felt like Elvis!! I couldn't believe it! They were all over me...even gave me all the steel I needed for free." (anyone who read my thread from yesterday would know I used Elvis in a comparison to him!!)
I said "Well, SO, you are a bit like Elvis....around here anyway. I was thinking about this just yesterday - the amount of success you've attained over the years, it's amazing isn't it?" (not an apology - just a start - now I can use this later as an intro when I do decide when to do the apology!!).
I know I said a bit more about his success and how well he's doing - I just don't remember the exact words... ironic, huh?!
NM Wanted to drop in and say how heartily I have been indentifying with your thread lately. I feel I've let my H down in the same way. The crazy thing for you is that you seem to have *shown* him your support in a million ways and sacrifices for his career over the years - but if he didn't *hear* it, maybe he didn't know. The truth is, I suppose I find that kind of ego boosting, and indeed, H's need to feed his ego with constant compliments, pretty unattractive - I guess I'm concerned that such a strong need for attention comes from some deficit of self-esteem. I mean, if they were as confident as they act, they wouldn't need the attention, right? He wouldn't give up time with you to talk with a fan, etc. Somewhere along the way I guess I thought it was my job to keep H's head small enough to fit through the door. I didn't say anything negative, just lots of eye rolling with over the top compliments from others, and a general lack of ego-boosting from me. It sounds like your SO is good at what he does, and that you think he is good at what he does. I feel the same about my H's accomplishments - but, alas, we didn't let them know! The problem is, they probably want to hear it from us more than anybody else in the world - even though they don't act like it. I don't have a clue how to bridge this gap after so much damage, but wanted you to know I am thinking hard about it too.
Also, my gut is telling me good things about your sitch. He is definately seeking you out, and I think you are close to something changing. Try to notice your opening when it comes. all my best erin
I haven't been following this thread, but read and felt compelled to post. I, too, felt I was in charge of keeping my H's super-sized ego in check. I feel like I did everything I could to keep him 'grounded,' so we were on the same 'level.' Now he tells me the EA has more to do with ego than anything else.......why would it have been so hard to praise his accomplishements, compliment his body, let him know what a great man I thought he was. All b/c I was so afaid/insecure that if I told him, he'd know how great he was, and try to find someone equally great (re: better than me)????
Ok....I feel like I am going to lose it right now...
D7 Just told me the last time she was at SO's, he had OW over. He swore to me up & down that wouldn't happen without my knowledge....Now, D7 is crying & freaking out because her Daddy told her "it was a big secret between them" and not to tell anyone. This would have been from about 2 weeks ago.
WTF do I do? I can't believe he did this.
I am so mad right now. I don't know what to say or if I should say anything - but this was a line crosser in my eyes. My kid is sitting here bawling her eyes out that she told the secret....I've been treating it very casually - haven't asked her questions...haven't freaked out (on the outside, anyway.)
The worst part about this...this weekend he was saying things like "We have to crawl before we walk" and we're getting along better now. And that he misses me.
