Nena, your sitch is heartbreaking, and alas, all too familiar to us on this board. The early signs that your partner wasn't that into sex, the wondering what is wrong with you that your H doesn't respond when you can see that other men find you attractive, the shame, the sadness...all very familiar to me personally. The physical abuse part is something we don't see much of here, however. That is worrisome.
First, you must realize that it is NOT you. He is not being this way because of anything you are doing or not doing. Your appearance, your weight, the way you cook, whether the house is clean... none of this stuff is relevant. This is a man with demons inside him (I don't literally mean "demons," so don't take me literally!). He has a lot of pain from his past and is probably full of self-loathing. Coming from a background of physical abuse has scarred him emotionally.
Does your H admit that there are problems in the marriage? Or if you ask him, does he make it sound like YOU'RE the one with the problems, but he's fine?
I'm curious that you said you didn't want to push counseling because you didn't want to humiliate him, but then you said there was some counseling for anger issues? Who initiated that?
Does your husband share your religious faith and is he comfortable with expressing that? It can be a very moving experience for y'all pray out loud for each other in God's presence every night, or at dinner time. For people who can pray out loud together, it's a way of being safely vulnerable-- the other person "overhears" you sharing your concerns with God. I love it when a guy is not embarrassed about praying out loud. My late husband could do it, and so does my boyfriend.
It's time YOU made some decisions about the marriage. Both of you need to be in marriage counseling together. You may need to shop around for the right person. You may or may not want someone with a specific religious orientation. Ask around, pray, talk to people-- don't settle for just anyone. The relationship with the counselor is important, so make sure it's someone you have confidence in. Is the person doing the anger counseling a likely candidate?
