Cobra,
Yea you're right, I do need to give you more background because I am in no way thinking or making myself out to be a martyr, I'm simply trying to work out my struggles and trying to get help and answers to all of my confusion. I am also not eager to jump into anything with anyone because if I was I would have already-I'm just struggling with the thoughts due to what I am lacking at home. And I don't believe that God tempts us but He does allow us to be tempted(by Satan) for His own purposes whether it be to teach a lesson, humble us or simply to make us better and stronger people for His glory that our faith and walk can be stronger, nonetheless we still have to go through it and sometimes though we know it's wrong, we still struggle and in our humanness sometimes stumble and fall. I'm not trying to justify anything either because I know what i'm feeling and thinking is sin and wrong- again I'm just struggling.
Now as for my sitch: I really don't know what turns my husband on or off otherwise I wouldn't be here writing looking for help. I was married 14 years ago, we dated for 3 1/2 years and in that time we mutually decided that there would be no sex until marriage to honor God. There was a physical attraction and we even had a few close calls. When we were married I was crushed on the marriage night because he didn't even try to be with me, I felt rejected, alone disillusioned etc. but thought it was just that he was tired. the next night nothing again cause we were at my sister's. 3rd night nothing(tired I guess!) then on the 4th finally and it was great. then sex only every other day for the remaining 6 days of our honeymoon. ok. After that about once a week for a couple of years but I always had to initiate. I questioned him but never really got anywhere. I tried being patient throughout the years and never pushed counseling for this to avoid humiliating my H. and I have never discussed this with anyone until now, alot was shame on my part, like what's wrong with me and those kinds of thoughts. At the same time I really wanted to have a baby and started seeing feterlity docs. H was behind me but not having sex very often-once a month maybe. I started concentrating more on my job, it made me feel like someone and took my mind off of my sitch. My H has an anger problem which we have gone to counseling for. His background is full of physical abuse. His dad cheated on his mom and beat her quite often(he's always been afraid that I would leave him) Never really acts jealous but just gets angry when he's had it. there was a few incidents of physical abuse towards me and one time he struck me several times. I left the next day and was out for 2 weeks- everyone(pastor, parents,friends, family) advised me to forgive the incident and return, I did. Nothing has happened since except for verbal and sometimes breaking other things etc. you get the picture. We attended counseling sessions for about 6 mos. He has changed alot but I still have resentment and am still hurting from all of this. Even so, I try to put it all aside and keep trying to keep it together. I finally got a child(Big time miracle) only had sex one time the month I got pregnant. So you see it's not that I'm trying to take the easy way out, I've been in it for better or worse. Part of what i'm going through I believe is a midlife crisis type of thing. When this OM started giving me attention, I questioned why my husband couldn't see what other people see in me and why we don't have the passion and desire that I feel which I want to have with my H. I started questioning whether life is passing my by and all of my hopes and dreams would always just be hopes and dreams, could they ever be reality, Am I living what God wants me to live, how can I get my life(with my H and Child) to be where I know it can be? And there's lots more. I'm not saying I'm perfect or anywhere near that, just that I know I'm trying to find answers. and as for manipulating opinions or lying, I don't think so! I think maybe you just thought I wanted to hear that I'm ok and my H is the one with the problem, no, I know I have faults-plenty but I am open to hear whatever anyone has to offer, it all helps. I always say don't say anything about anyone(judge) unless you've walked in their shoes.you made me think about myself and why I am where I am because I'm not being honest, but no, that's why I'm looking for answers because I don't want a divorce, I don't want an affair, I want to have the passion and love for my husband that I know can be there,I just don't know how to make it happen. And I want to follow God and be pleasing to Him and not allow sin in my life. please respond, I can learn and need objective outlooks, criticism helps too, to keep things in prespective. Thanks