My H wants to get separate bank accounts, as I've expressed that I feel like I'm paying bills for the OW and maybe that's why their R works better because that is one hurdle they do not have to face together. He's always saying how much she doesn't want anything to do w/his money but she also would have no place to live or a vehicle, if it weren't for him .
Any recommendations or comments?
I love my H and do not want to put my H into any kind of a financial problem. My R w/him has never been about money and now I almost feel like that's all I am. Divorce would break up the balance of things. He claims that is not true but than turns around and says things like I don't have to worry about the OW she isn't out to get my money, or he says "I'll always be provided for, don't worry." Sometimes I wonder if he truely knows what we need, it's not money, that is not the provision we need. Unfortunatley as much as I'd like to have nothing to do with his money I do have to think about the kids so I have to swallow a little bit of my pride.
Other questions I have are about our housing. Right now it is cheaper for the kids to stay in our home then to split everything up and divide. Is there a way to maintain joint ownership in the case of either a D or separation? Is a separation better?
Part of my problem is that H is also having a baby w/OW and feels responsibility there. He also claims he wishes there were another way out but can't see one. He doesn't want to take the child away from OW but also doesn't want the child raised improperly due to lack of finance or proper home conditions and he wants to be the childs parent. He feels our children S18, S16 and S13 are old enough and don't need him as much. I truely don't want anything for myself but am concerned about our children. I guess this all sounds rather confusing and not very DBing. My H still expesses that he wants our family but has pulled away a lot. He says he figures he has to make the best of the cards that have been dealt to him, as he knows he truely screwed up and doesn't see how things could ever be the same again.
We have been on vacation for the past two weeks, one week traveling to see our son graduate from the Naval Academy and this last week moving things around our house. We put together an office room that we've (especially him) been wanted to do since we moved in. He was very depressed as we did this, because he was seeing all of his dreams/goals coming together and not being a part of them.
The baby's due in May and our children know nothing about it or our immediate families. My H is dreading telling all. What do you do? I don't know how much more confusing this could all be.
It's like we both want our family together, but he keeps moving further away, due to circumstances, and can't seem to see that anything else would work. I wonder if filing either Legal Separation or D papers is the only thing that will help him put his life together so that others, me and kids or even the OW and child or even just himself can go on with life. I know he's not happy trying to juggle it all. He always claims there's never any problems when he is with the OW but when he comes home he always feels depressed or guilty, shameful.
I keep thinking about a saying I heard that "Faith requires action"
Please any imput would be great, negative or positive. Anyone experience any of this, what did you do?
I've posted many postes but my main one is - trying to hold on, need help.
I am so sorry about your situation but I am still a little unclear. He hasn't filed any papers yet? Can you both go to a good councellor together? It sounds like he feels very responsible for his actions towards the OW and baby and conflicted as to what he should do. He needs direction but not from you. Do you have a Pastor or someone you can talk to? The baby will be here in a few weeks and so yes it is time for action.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
He is still living with you and has access to the house and the bank accounts and has ANOTHER woman in his life and is about to have a baby with her?
Why? Why on Earth would you allow this person to still be living with you? He says it is not about money, then says the older kids don't need as much and YOU do NOT want to put him in a financial strain despite the INCREDIBLE strain he has selfishly put on you?
Quit deluding yourself and quit coddling him, NOW.
There is nothing more important than family and I would have done a great deal to save my marriage, but this man cares about no one but himself.
Take of you and the children, NOW, financially, emotionally, physically and tell him to go take of the girlfriend on his own and if someday he grows up and wants to be responsible for HIS family, maybe you will talk, then.
My H really doesn't want a D but doesn't feel there is any other way as the OW is basically destitute and told him she would have the baby w/or w/o him. He feels responsible and doesn't want the child raised in poverty. He's afraid if he doesn't take care of her and the baby she will disappear and he will never get to know his child. She disappeared on him once before. He also doesn't want to take the child from her as she never thought she would ever have a child again, as she has had several abortions from abusive boyfriends. I'm realistic to know that there may also be something more to his emotional feelings for her right know too. What's not to love about a woman who is glowing, as we know pregnancy, especially one you never thought would happen, makes one glow. She has two other children from another boyfriend and has not been able to raise them and can't wait to finally raise one. There's problems there too. My H wants nothing to do w/these kids, but my feeling is it could become an issue. I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that they are both so willing to just give up on, forget, I don't know what the right term would be, their other families. Supposedly her children and her family are looking forward to the new child but I don't think they realize that the time they would normally share w/her will now be taken up, as my H doesn't realize either.
My H has a friend that met, dated and eventually married someone from the internet. She had a 5 yr old child and he had custody of his two teens. When she moved in his kids moved to their mothers. He gave up on them and placed more importance on this new family. He ended up divorcing this woman, she was really messed up and totally messed up his life. His kids have started to revisit their dad but they have gotten into a lot of cr****p. One may even be in prison for DUI now. I just hope my H knows what he's doing, but really feel he doesn't and the hardest thing is I can't do anything about it or convince him of it. I would love to go to a counsellor but H has been pretty much against it the whole time. Although he does say at times that he knows he needs therapy. He will have to be the one to decide on that, I am more than willing. As far as a pastor, we live in a small community and even though he believes in God, church has not been his thing.
I've been checking things out. I want to find out exactly what Legal Separation entails, it may be the best thing and fastest thing to protect the childrens interests and be as equitable as possible. I know some people would say why but believe it or not I do still care and probably always will. I've just reached a point where I know I can't live like this. I don't feel it's fair that the children and I have been put in 2nd position, we both know what it feels like to be in 1st and it is very painful. We go places and he is constantly going to the restroom, I'm pretty sure to check his phone or text message her. Even the kids think it is excessive. I'm hoping before this week is up I can have something figured out. The worst case scenerio is that the baby comes sooner than anticipated. Others have said I lot of feelings could come out when this happens, where he'll not be as willing to listen to me and the OW may try to influence him that they need the money or assets to help raise the child. I'd like to not believe this but know that having children does make you very paternal and could cause you to think or do things you wouldn't normally do. Right know he wants to make sure we are taken care of (money is not what we need) but.....
Thank you for your response. It's nice to know there's people out there that care.
No I'm not kidding. It's really hard to let go of someone that's been your best friend for 26 years and H for 23. When you've gone through so many things together both good and bad, happy and sad. When there's never been a question until now that we both really cared about each other. We used to talk about how the kids would always know what love was because there was an abundance of it and they could always see it by looking at us.
As far as the bank accounts go neither of us has tried to screw each other although I'm sure he has taken her out and bought some things for her. His paycheck is automatically deposited and there's never been any excessive w/drawals. I do all the bills and banking.
I know I need to stop coddling him, you're right.
Yes, there is nothing more important than family. I mentioned a job closer to our home in the same field but with a pay cut and he doesn't want to do this. He likes what he's doing now. I know if family were the most important thing to me in this same situation, I would do what ever it took to be together. This job or moving the family closer to where he is working even though it is more expensive to live. We could rent as he is now and be together. These are not his priorities now though.
I also agree with what you say last
Quote: tell him (when he)
Quote: wants to be responsible for HIS family, maybe you will talk, then.
I know that if this whole legal seperation thing goes through and he makes this commitment to this OW he will have to prove to me not just in words but in actions that he would want to come back. The door will be there but he needs to figure somethings out first.
I will be taking some action but also and mostly will be trusting that God has a plan for me and the children. Thank you for your imput.
There are certainly a many people here and I'm sure in your community to help you.
I believe, but I am not close to the situation, his priorities do not lie with you right now, he is still worried about how his actions affect her and not you.
Whether he was your friend for all those years, seems to mean little right now, but he not thinking of you.
And yes, it is very difficult, if not impossible to try and figure what they are doing when they act like this. My XW has been gone two years and I still wonder why?
Look who you got to come out from under a rock!!!!......and with some very good advice I might add.
Bruce is so right. We will never understand no matter how hard we try. I was told that when something like this happens to us to rock our world, it is comparable to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Possibly one of the reasons that it takes so darn for us to get our selves back together. Thing is that's all we really can do. Put one foot in front of the other until oneday we won't have to think about it anymore. Maybe then we will really know in our heart that they are the losers in this deal!
P - Prepare. We need to make ourselves ready for prayer, bringing ourselves to a place where we can concentrate on God and hear His voice. Christ Himself went away to a quiet place to pray:
R - Recognize God's authority, and remember that He can do anything to accomplish His will. God can and will do anything - no matter what it takes - for His children. To defeat the Amorites, He even stopped the sun from setting at just the word of Joshua:
A - Acknowledge our weakness. As we come before the Lord, we know He is righteous and we are sinners. "Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin."Psalm 51:1-2 (NIV)
Y - Yield to the will of God. Without yielding ourselves to God, He cannot do anything in our lives. "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven." Matthew 7:21 (NIV)
E - Expect a miracle. We cannot expect a miracle unless we yield our wills to God. The man with the withered right hand trusted Christ. When Christ told him to do so, he brought out the hand that was withered and stretched it out. "And when He had looked around at them all, He said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." And he did so, and his hand was restored as whole as the other." Luke 6:10 (NKJV)
R - Rejoice in Him, irrespective of the result. Paul was a great man of faith. He prayed to the Lord constantly, and in his own affliction, he prayed for God to remove his "thorn of the flesh." "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 (NIV)
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
