Thank you again for your talking to me. As someone who has had cancer I know you understand what he was going through. I don't think I made it clear that the ex always said that I was his best support until the day we fought. So what I meant by "not enough" was that I did not know he needed more. I spent countless days talking, cheering, and pumping him up. He went into it with the idea that he was coming out a survivor and with family and friends he did just that.
I have taken a year to reflect on what happened. I got an email back from him last night saying that he was glad for the honesty and he was happy our 8 hour chat did not become a test of endurance.
I know he is happy that I can see what he meant by not being there. I did do the best I could while he was sick. I did anything and everything he asked of me. I dont think that I was prepared for the "after cancer" part.
I was so blindsighted and happy that he was better that I wanted to gets things back to normal. Even up to 2 weeks before we fought and he left we had solid plans about moving to a new area and buying a house.
There is nothing that I want more than to be with him again. I made the mistake of copping out and not letting the anger run off of me before I left as well.
When we were talking the other night via chat, he again said that no problems that we had were big enough to ruin us. I know that too. What I dont know is how to go about making it right. Maybe it never will be and I can accept that as a possibility.
How can I make it obvious that I want it to be a new start? I have thought about visiting (2 states away) or moving back, setting up my own place and waiting him out. I know he needs to see a big committment from me and I am willing to do that. Frankly, if I moved there, and it did not work out at least I could know that I gave it my all and have respect in that.
I am good with my new life but it will never be the same without him. I am comfortable with myself now, and feel very little anger towards him. I simply want to work it out.
