"I also know that not fessing up my feelings has cost me an incredible amount."
This is just my opinion and I hope it isn't the same in your sitch. However, it is my view that when there is a major, major crisis such as cancer where the affected spouse goes through the process of initial diagnosis, seemingly endless testing to stage the disease then, several forms of treatment over a period of time. Honestly, the healthy spouse is given the opportunity to show who they really are. My opinion is that it is one chance only because and particularly in the early stages of a M/R, their response will shape the remainder of your time together.
"I do want to clarify that I was there physically and mentally..just not enough."
Here lies the problem....the "just not enough" part. A cancer patient has limits over how much care, intervention and support they require. A cancer patient also needs time alone to reflect and visualize a positive future. A supportive spouse would help them see that future clearer. If someone is too caring, they will tell you. But, at a time when you need love and hope, to be not there enough just means that you have chosen the wrong person to be with.
Why I endured 20 years with someone that was the wrong person? Because I didn't believe in divorce. My family instilled in me values the meant you stick with it and tomorrow will be a brighter day. Well, after 20 years, the brighter day didn't come. Plus, I got sick all over again last year, nowhere as serious as cancer but enough to go through a difficult period. And again, my W wasn't there. This time, she was resentful that I wasn't fulfilling her needs. Whilst I could forgive and get past the disappointment of her abscence 20 years ago at my time of need, to see her repeating that behavior was a complete show stopper. I wish her the best and I will expediate the D as soon as it is legally possible.
From reading your sitch, it is my view that there is hope that you and your H can get past this but this is going to take an incredible commitment from you. If you can demonstate that commitment, your xH will I believe, forgive you but he will never forget which is fair enough. From that point on, even if he develops a sniffle, his eyes will be on you. If you respond as you believe you should, then in times of your own illness, for his appeciation, he will pamper you more than a princess.
The only advise that I can give you is if you decide to be change and become an unconditionally loving and supportive life partner to your husband, please and I beg of you, do not revert back otherwise, you will be setting yourself and your H for more pain.
You need to go through some incredibly deep introspection to understand why your response to his illness was substandard. I would assume the reason resides in deep centered fears and as part of your own rehabilitation, you will need to tackle those fears. Perhaps you should consider volunteering to do some work with cancer patients so that you can give back something that you know you failed to give before. I don't know but I do know that not confronting your fears gets you nowhere fast.
Fix yourself before you can fix the R. That's the best advise I can give you.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
