I am a 26 year old divorcee. My ex and I dated for a year and a half before marrying. Four months after we were married we discovered that he had stage four cancer. We had always had a strong relationship and did the entire time we were married.
After a year of treatment he was luckily in remission. It was a tough and emotional time for us both being newly married. We made it work. But it did have effects on both of us. I had started experiencing a lot of panic attacks and he was just plain worn out. Still we made plans to carry on.
Six months after his last treatment we were going to celebrate our 2nd anniversary. We had talked about having children and because I was panicky and he had a risk of birth defects from chemo he did not want to have children. I resented this, looking back becuase I thought it was my "reward" for getting through such a tough couple of years. Life would be back to normal. I had lost a part of myself and was not as confident as I wanted. When we went to celebrate our 2nd anniversary I found out that he felt I had not been there for him while he was sick. That he worried more about me than he did himself.
He told me he was done and filing for divorce. I was shattered. He went to his parents house and did not want to communicate. I was angry and could not look past not having kids or the fact he felt I was not "present". After a week, we talked but I was angry and so was he. He insited on counseling. We went and even though I needed him, I told him he could not come home. I even told him I did not want to fix it. After three weeks, he again asked if I wanted to work on it. I said no. I was crushed because we had gotten through one of the worst things I had ever imagined happening and suddenly he was not ok with it. He did say he wanted to work on it.
I left and moved back to my home state. He did file papers. We had no contact besides one phone call. I drove half way back several times but thought for sure that he was done. He has always been a man of his word. The divorce was final last August. He had asked that I did not contact him so I didn't but continued to drive and turn around.
It has been a long year. Good in many ways, hurtful in many ways. I took a long time to think things through from his point of view as well as my own. I manage my panic attacks now, and feel a huge amount of self respect for myself. I know he only ever wanted me to be happy for myself. He had his part in it too.
A month ago, I texted him and sent him a short message asking about his health and happiness. He replied back he was fine and cancer free. I reflected a long time before sending him a message about chatting and having a real conversation without rehashing and rehashing. I told him I did not know what to expect but that I wanted to at least try and talk.
A week passsed before he added me to his messenger. We had about a total of 20 cordial lines before we signed off. I emailed him again asking to talk. A few days later we chatted long and hard for 8 hours. There was a lot of hurt but a lot of love as well. I took responsibility for my wrong doing's, we joked around, we talked about sex, we talked about nothing. We talked an hour about meeting on a weekend. He told me he still cared for me and in an indirect way that he missed me. But he does not know if he could trust me. He said initally it would be a one time thing, later to say he was not sure. But I could sense his hurt. After telling me I was never committed, he opted to go to sleep. I asked to talk again sometime soon.
I sent him another email after a grueling day of wondering what to do. Procede with caution, blow it off and move on, or go for the gusto? I have never stopped loving him. He said himself that none of our problems were big enough to call for divorce. He said he would have done anything. I believe him. Unforuntaly, all I saw was that he had left me and was upset. I had given him time and felt I needed more time. I walked before even giving it a secound chance.
I would like to meet, talk or anthing that would give me insight. But I want to be real. Has anyone ever gone through this type of situation? Any advice on proceeding? I feel lost and do not want to cross a line with him before I even have a chance.
