Hi Nicky- Ditto what chrome said... don't be upset with yourself for having negative feelings about this. It's very gutsy of you to admit it.
When I read your post I got this idea... I don't know what the dynamics of your and your H are... but see what you think of this:
Tonight, or sometime over the weekend-- maybe on Sunday afternoon, you and your H have your own private "pity party." Tell him, "Honey, I'm inviting you to a pity party." Don't make a joke out of it... I think the tone should be sort of ironic and mock serious... like those "over the hill" parties people have when they turn 40, but the theme that runs through it all must be ultimately nurturing and kind. This must be something you do to take care of each other. To bolster each other and support each other. It must be gentle.
My imagination is kind of running away with me, so bear with me... wear something kind of tacky and plain. Play music in the background that you don't like. Serve food that neither of you likes very much... Let's say you don't like tuna casserole, or hot dogs, or liver and onions. I mean, make it something you will eat, but something you don't like. Include your son. Sit on uncomfortable chairs. Spend time kind of bemoaning the things that are bugging you. Even write them down. There's a fine line to walk here. it must be gentle and kind and a little bit funny.
Let out the feelings... the fear, the apprehension, the worries. Admit them to each other. Bring them out in the open. I like the idea of writing stuff down, because at the end of the pity party, you can burn the stuff you wrote... AND for dessert, you have your FAVORITE dessert! And maybe some non-alcoholic champagne.
The idea is that each of you is having scary ambivalent feelings about stuff. But you can still be together in it. You might even schedule regular pity parties-- maybe once a month or so...
Anyway, just a wild idea... it could be fun and very healing.
