Well guys, I feel like I can tell you anything. I know you won't judge what I say or me for saying it, so here it goes.

I can't get "happy" about this pregnancy. I feel this constant weight of "why is this happening to us now?". This is going to sound really horrible, but I don't want to be pregnant. I keep thinking, maybe I'm not really or maybe I'll miscarry. Then I feel even worse for having those thoughts. I could never have imagined that I would have these types of feelings. I feel really guilty.

I guess overall our M is taking a dip for the worse too. We are very stressed about money and just in general. Any progress we were making seems to have gone away. H is so doom and gloom about everything and gets pissed at me when I say he should try to take a more positive outlook on things. He says, fine, I won't express my feelings. The only feelings he expresses are negative ones. I think it's BS. One thing goes off track in our daily schedule and it's "that's going to suck". Well yeah, if you think it's going to suck, it will. Part of the problem is that I feel responsible for his day "not sucking". Like this birthday party we have to go to Saturday. It's an hour away and will interefer with nap time. So he automatically assumes the baby will be fussy in the car and miserable all day. Now, DS probablly will be an angel all day, cause that's just the way he is. But, the day already sucks in his mind. So I tell him if he'd rather not go than stay home. I would rather him stay home and not spend the day with us than him go and be miserable. KWIS?

There has been absolutely no EC b/t us lately. I have had no desire to ML. And if he continues to "ignore" me outside the bedroom, at this point I can't see myself wanting to ML with him anytime soon. He comes to be with me as I was going to bed last night, and just lays there. No arm around me, no hand holding, no snuggling. Just lays there. Why even bother coming up if you're not going to show any type of any thing? See guys, this is how a HDW becomes LD!!! Ugh.

I know I am overly emotional right now, thanks for listening.

Nicky

"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'" Frederick Collins