Look out, 18,000 Arbonne consultants are taking over the city tomorrow!! I am excited to be a tourist and do the Arch... Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Back from St. Louis. It was an exhausting trip, but it was the best I've been on in a long, long time.
We had two phenomenal key note speakers, author John Maxwell (I am a huge fan!). The other was the first blind man to climb Mt. Everest, Eric Weinmeyer. It was so completely inspiring to hear these two men talk. Eric Weinmeyer really touched me...he is blind and climbed Mt. Everest!! Talk about having a dream and overcoming adversity. It also made me realize that I have a really good life and to be more appreciative of what I have. Things could be a lot worse.
With the pregnancy and all, I feel like absolute crap and really have no desire to have sex, funny how the tables turn. I am sure tho once the morning sickness wears off I will be back in the mood! I practically feel asleep in the middle the other night...now that's night like me at all. Even H said to me, "it's not going to go back to the boring old way is it?". I smiled and was really happy that he was happy with the improved quality of sex we were having.
Just as things were heading in the right direction, life throws us a curveball. Better duck!
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Ahh the morning sickness shall pass (easy for me to say I never really had any). I always heard woman were more horny in there first trimester. Ah another wives tale.
The morning sickness is usually temporary - look for it to pass around 10-12 weeks. I was always horny the second/third trimesters. I also had crazy pregnant, horny dreams. I mean to tell you - crazy! They were good for a laugh for sure - I slept with everyone - the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker- all in my dreams.
"I slept with everyone - the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker- all in my dreams."
That's too funny!! Yeah, my 1st preg I was horny all the time. Yesterday and today have actually been pretty good, so I might get lucky this weekend!!
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Well guys, I feel like I can tell you anything. I know you won't judge what I say or me for saying it, so here it goes.
I can't get "happy" about this pregnancy. I feel this constant weight of "why is this happening to us now?". This is going to sound really horrible, but I don't want to be pregnant. I keep thinking, maybe I'm not really or maybe I'll miscarry. Then I feel even worse for having those thoughts. I could never have imagined that I would have these types of feelings. I feel really guilty.
I guess overall our M is taking a dip for the worse too. We are very stressed about money and just in general. Any progress we were making seems to have gone away. H is so doom and gloom about everything and gets pissed at me when I say he should try to take a more positive outlook on things. He says, fine, I won't express my feelings. The only feelings he expresses are negative ones. I think it's BS. One thing goes off track in our daily schedule and it's "that's going to suck". Well yeah, if you think it's going to suck, it will. Part of the problem is that I feel responsible for his day "not sucking". Like this birthday party we have to go to Saturday. It's an hour away and will interefer with nap time. So he automatically assumes the baby will be fussy in the car and miserable all day. Now, DS probablly will be an angel all day, cause that's just the way he is. But, the day already sucks in his mind. So I tell him if he'd rather not go than stay home. I would rather him stay home and not spend the day with us than him go and be miserable. KWIS?
There has been absolutely no EC b/t us lately. I have had no desire to ML. And if he continues to "ignore" me outside the bedroom, at this point I can't see myself wanting to ML with him anytime soon. He comes to be with me as I was going to bed last night, and just lays there. No arm around me, no hand holding, no snuggling. Just lays there. Why even bother coming up if you're not going to show any type of any thing? See guys, this is how a HDW becomes LD!!! Ugh.
I know I am overly emotional right now, thanks for listening.
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
You musn't berate yourself for your thoughts or feelings, no matter how "despicable" they might be. In fact, those thoughts only become despicable if they are put into action. We cannot really control those often random electrical firings we call thoughts, nor can we easily control our feelings. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel, there only IS the way you feel. What is right or wrong is how you choose to act on that feeling. You are a good person. Despite what the puritanical element in our society things, you do not become bad by having "impure thoughts."
I am dealing with the exact same situation as you, to a lesser degree. The W automatically assumes that traveling is fraught with difficulty and lots of things that can go wrong. The only thing I can say is just drop it. It is an issue you can do nothing about. His life outlook is out of your control, like the weather. Instead, think of ways you can plan around it, like you would a rainstorm. I know it is hard, but try to let his pissing and moaning roll off you. Eventually he is bound to see that his b!tching is getting him nowhere. If you want to say something, just acknowledge his POV (without agreeing with it).
About the HD->LD thing. Never let anyone else determine who you are. Period.
Chromo
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Thanks. I know that I would never act upon my feelings or perposefully do anything to risk life or limb. I know I will fall in love with this baby like I did our first.
"Eventually he is bound to see that his b!tching is getting him nowhere. If you want to say something, just acknowledge his POV (without agreeing with it)."
That's what I do most of the time. Except I have this habit of appologizing. "Sorry it's going to suck for you..."etc. Must stop that.
"About the HD->LD thing. Never let anyone else determine who you are. Period."
Thanks. I am tired of wishing and hoping and praying that he will turn into the partner that I long for. Sometimes it feels easier to conceed. I guess anything worth having isn't easy, right? If it's something I really want, I have to keep fighting...
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Hi Nicky- Ditto what chrome said... don't be upset with yourself for having negative feelings about this. It's very gutsy of you to admit it.
When I read your post I got this idea... I don't know what the dynamics of your and your H are... but see what you think of this:
Tonight, or sometime over the weekend-- maybe on Sunday afternoon, you and your H have your own private "pity party." Tell him, "Honey, I'm inviting you to a pity party." Don't make a joke out of it... I think the tone should be sort of ironic and mock serious... like those "over the hill" parties people have when they turn 40, but the theme that runs through it all must be ultimately nurturing and kind. This must be something you do to take care of each other. To bolster each other and support each other. It must be gentle.
My imagination is kind of running away with me, so bear with me... wear something kind of tacky and plain. Play music in the background that you don't like. Serve food that neither of you likes very much... Let's say you don't like tuna casserole, or hot dogs, or liver and onions. I mean, make it something you will eat, but something you don't like. Include your son. Sit on uncomfortable chairs. Spend time kind of bemoaning the things that are bugging you. Even write them down. There's a fine line to walk here. it must be gentle and kind and a little bit funny.
Let out the feelings... the fear, the apprehension, the worries. Admit them to each other. Bring them out in the open. I like the idea of writing stuff down, because at the end of the pity party, you can burn the stuff you wrote... AND for dessert, you have your FAVORITE dessert! And maybe some non-alcoholic champagne.
The idea is that each of you is having scary ambivalent feelings about stuff. But you can still be together in it. You might even schedule regular pity parties-- maybe once a month or so...
Anyway, just a wild idea... it could be fun and very healing.
Nicky, Your thougthts on the P are not uncommon, nor totally unexpected. We got P about 2 yrs after D4. MrsGGB was quite upset about it, as she had in her mind decided we were done with babies after D4. It was a miserable pregnancy while it lasted. Well she lost the baby at 19 weeks, and I can tell you that was at least 10x as devastating as her getting P in the first place. You know what though, it was God's way of getting her to peace with allowing his will be done. We've since had 2 more absolutely beautiful boys, and during both of those pregnancies she never once regretted getting pregnant even though neither was planned. Anyway, I do understand your feelings. I'm sure it doesn't help if H is not 100% on board too. Perhaps it will do you good to go the party without him, you know catch a little break. You sound like you could use it.
