Journaling: the continuation of my saga

[PArob]

NM, PL and GH

Thank you so much for checking in with me today, it means a lot.

Yes, it really does clarify where things stand and PL, you are absolutely correct that once that boundary has been set, I can't back away from it....but the point is, I didn't put the boundary out there without recognizing the consequences. I spent a good deal of time preparing myself for this outcome and, well, I'm not surprised.

So, what's the plan for me? At this point, I've really gone emotionally dark (actually not a leap, because I've been emotionally dark for about a couple of weeks) and now checking out my options for living arrangements. Unfortunately, I know my W will not leave the house and I cannot force her (because ostensibly she has nowhere to go) and we can't afford an apartment on her own. So, I may look into moving in with a friend of mine and sharing costs. I'm really not sure of what to do. I can't see staying in the same proximity with her for a variety of reasons so I feel that I must make a clean split (helps with emotional detachment I beleive)

So Rob, has she never done the "right" things in terms of working on your M, or is it just lately that things have spiraled?

You know GH, you put forth a good question to make me reflect. As it stood with OM, she never put forth the effort to assure me that he was out of our life. She would say that she knows that it has to end, but make no effort to do so.

I guess lately what really hurt was the fact that for the last six months, I literally thought OM was not the issue and that her ED was really most of the issue. I asked her on several occassions whether OM was part of the picture and that if he was, that was information I needed to know so that I may be able to understand what I was dealing with (depression, OM, ED). She emphasized on every occassion that he was NOT part of the picture.

Secondly, occassionally she would tell me that she wanted "our life back" wanted a new start, etc. In August, she told me that our beach trip was hopefully a new beginning for us...as it turns out, on all those occassions I never had a chance because she was always in contact with OM.

So, there were signs that maybe she was thinking about doing the right thing....but never put it into practice. Even to this day, she "wants me to think about what we had and could have" tells me that she loves me very much and I mean the world to her....tells me that she doesn't want us to split...tells me that she can't believe what's she's done....etc. All the words that I want to hear obviously, but without the corresponding actions. Since finding out about the phone, I asked whether she ever talked to OM to finally end things.....she said she gave him back the phone and told him that she couldn't do this anymore. Not a word more. Ostensibly, she hasn't talked to him since, despite me telling her that it was important for her to express the fact that she doesn't love him (what she told me....but apparently they exchange ILY's) because it really isn't fair to him. I have no idea what to believe or what to trust.

It seems to me like this point you are at can be a lot like the first bomb drop and just guard against making any decisions from emotion. Consider your "big picture" and decide things from the best place possible.

Well, at some level, any decision we make will always have some level of emotion attached to it, but yes, I understand what you are saying. I've spent the last few weeks just trying to separate my emotional response from my rational response. It took some time because I had huge reserves of anger and resentment, but in the end, I know that I deserve more and that she will never respect my boundaries because in the past I've always wavered them in the hopes that she would finally see her way clear.

So what is the "big picture?" I really don't know at this point. My girls are going to be devastated, family and friends will be shocked (but not totally taken aback), our house will have to be sold and possessions split up.

The bottom line here is that I firmly believe that you have the right to decide that you are no longer willing to accept this R she has with OM and if she continues it, you will take certain action.

This is an interesting point that I wanted to expound upon because in my experience, my W doesn't "get" that its a personal boundary and not an ultimatum. For her, if I set a boundary or exress true opinion on something, it becomes either a total criticism of "her" as a person or I'm trying to control her. Unfortunately, that's not the case and I've explained it to her that just by exrpessing what I see as a boundary, does not necessarily mean that she has to follow it, that's her decision....but know that the decision she makes will have repurcussions upon what I consider acceptable. A strange distinction, but a necessary one that she doesn't quite grasp. Unfortunately, a LOT of this stems from her mindset and the ED because to her, everything is a power struggle. SIGH

So, again, thank you for checking in and I'll be sure to keep you all up to date as things develop. Know that while I'm disappointed that things are where I want them to be, I'm a better person for going through this process.

Have a good weekend!